One Thousand Gifts - Chapter 8

I'm still being so challenged by this book. Here's the quote that grabbed me this morning.

Anxiety has been my natural posture, my default stiffness. The way I curl my toes up, tight retreat. How I angle my jaw, braced, chisel the brow with the lines of distrust. How I don't fold my hands in prayer...weld them into tight fists of control. Always control--pseudopower from the pit. How I refuse to relinquish worry, babe a mother won't forsake, an identity. Do I hold worry close as this ruse of control, this pretense that I'm the one who will determine the course of events as I stir and churn and ruminate? Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is. And stressed, this pitched word that punctuates every conversation, is it really my attempt to prove how indispensable I am? Or is it more? Maybe disguising my deep fears as stress seems braver somehow.

And then a few pages later...

Stress isn't only a joy stealer. The way we respond to it can be sin. I stand in the laundry room looking out at the barn, knowing that stress stands in direct opposition to what He directly, tenderly commands: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV, emphasis added). I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trust, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms. Trust, it's the antithesis of stress. "Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord" (Psalm 40:4). But how to learn trust like that? Can trust be conjured up simply by sheer will on command? I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust, to gut-believe in the good touch of God toward me, because it's true: I can't fill with joy until I learn how to trust: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow" (Romans 15:13 NIV, emphasis added). The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace.

Then, to test my resolve, a phone call from my husband this afternoon. He got a phone call from the hotel this afternoon, his second job. Don't come to work tomorrow or Thursday. There's no money to pay him. The Hampton he works for lost its flag (its Hampton-ness) when the original owners lost it for non-payment and the bank sold it to someone else. Until they get the flag back, they are not connected to the Hampton online reservation system and people can't make reservations except by calling them directly. Therefore, they only had 13 rooms sold last night and 15 reserved so far for tonight.

Just when he was actually making enough money for us to live on, something else to worry about. Can I thank God for this? This is HARD!