A Church Called Tov - Chapter 2: Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Culture

 This chapter covers the two major "early warning signs of a toxic culture: narcissism and power through fear." (p. 25)

First, narcissism. The authors write, "For some reason, church leadership at times seems to attract unempathetic, selfish narcissists.... far too many churches have narcissists in leadership. And they are predominantly male."

There is a great discussion of what narcissism is. The authors contend that "we need a better understanding of the personality type because (sorry to say) narcissists are far too prevalent in our churches. We must develop the ability to spot them before they can do harm."

The Mayo Clinic definition: "Narcissistic personality disorder...is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (p. 27)

"Narcissists often gravitate toward enablers, who will pave their way to power--or at least not stand in the way... Some pastors nurture sycophants, and before long the elder board or deacon board is populated with apple-polishers who are malleable to the pastor's will and often unwilling to stand up to the pastor with solid--and necessary--biblical oversight." (p. 27) This pretty aptly describes the situation at the church we left.

"One of the most significant problems in churches today is the grasping for power of narcissistic pastors and leaders." (p. 28)

"For the narcissist, it's all about control. That's why narcissistic pastors, of churches large and small, tend to gravitate toward non-denominational churches or unaccountable church structures where they answer to no one. They prefer it that way." (p. 29)

Second, power through fear. "Perhaps the most common temptation for church leaders is to wield their assumed authority and position as weapons of lethal, wounding power. When a leader manifests the power hatchet, a culture is formed that adjusts to the blade of fear. Power and fear are close companions. Combine this with narcissism, and a toxic culture is sure to form." (p. 30-31)

"When other church leaders become complicit in a pastor's abuse of power, it casts a chilling shadow on the rest of the church and people become reluctant to speak up... Once a culture of fear forms within a church, there's almost no turning back." (p. 31)

The authors then go deeper into "the dynamics of a power-and-fear-based culture" because this type of church culture is on the rise and very difficult to uproot. They discuss recent research into the effects of power on the human brain which is frightening, to say the least. "Subjects under the influence of power acted as if they had suffered traumatic brain injury." (p. 32-33)

The chapter concludes with "eight indicators that anyone can use to evaluate their own church's culture":

1) Power and authority are vested in an individual. (p. 34) In the church we recently left, the pastor had the power to hire and fire other staff members and change their salaries with no input from the elder board.  Dangerous!

2) The pastor's approval becomes the gold standard. (p. 34)

3) Those approved by the power pastor gain 'status enhancement.' (p. 35)

4) Power cuts with both sides of the blade. (p. 36)

5) The power-shaping culture transitions into a fear-shaped culture. (p. 36)

6) Judgments and decisions are rendered behind a wall of secrecy. (p. 36) "In a power-through-fear culture, the powerful pastor and his close associates decide what information will be disseminated and what will be held back... People resign and leave with no explanation, often 'called to a new ministry,' and only the insiders know why. This form of secrecy induces fear in other staff members to stay in line. When someone leaves, he or she is encouraged to 'end well' which means 'don't talk.' Secrecy remains." (p. 37) This one really hit home with me because it describes exactly the "straw that broke the camel's back" when we left our church last fall.

7) Behind the wall of secrecy lurks a perpetual fear of status degradation. (p. 37)

8) Removal from the circle entirely. (p. 38) 

Final paragraph: "What can you do if you begin to recognize the warning signs of a toxic church culture? Do you speak up? How do you speak up? What happens if you speak up? We turn to that next." (p. 39)  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 1: "Every Church Is a Culture"

We are all immersed in a culture, probably more than one culture. If you're active in a church, your church has a culture. McKnight and Barrington see the culture as a circle that begins with the leaders of a church who "exercise a preliminary voice in telling the church's narrative, acting out the Christian life for others to see, teaching the Christian faith and how it is lived, and articulating policies." (p. 15) Then the congregation "embraces the culture but also begins to reshape the narrative, act out the Christian life to others to see, reteach the Christian faith, and rearticulate the policies." (p. 15) This circular interaction forms the culture of that church. "In a sense, everyone in the church is "complicit" in whatever culture is formed, good or bad." (p. 15)

A church's "habits form their personality." (p. 16) The authors list the types of feelings you get when visiting churches: 1) a rigorous military organization, 2) an art gallery, concert venue, stage production, or grand show, 3) a gathering to hear/adore the preacher with everything else being filling, or 4) a gathering centered around the Eucharist. (p. 18)

Laura told of a church she visited "whose culture might best be described as Celebrity Central... As the service progressed, I was struck by the number of times the congregation applauded the people on the stage... at least ten times." This is what was happening at the church we left last fall. In the six years we'd be there, no applause turned into applause after an upbeat song, then applause after every song, then applause after the sermon.  

Important: "We for church cultures, but we are simultaneously formed by the cultures we've helped to form." (p. 18)

The chapter ends with a section entitled "Jesus, Character and Culture", a summary of some of Jesus's teaching about character.  "Both flesh and spirit express the core of one's character." (p. 23)  

"Toxic, flesh-driven cultures breed a lust for power, success, celebrity, control through fear, an emphasis on authority, and demands for loyalty. These values may not be explicitly stated, or even outwardly recognized, but as they fester in the heart of a leader, they can't help but bear bitter fruit, damaging the culture of the church and seeking to destroy anyone who gets in the way." (p. 23)

"A Spirit-formed, Christlike culture, on the other hand, nurtures truth, offers healing for the wounded, seeks opportunities to show redemptive grade and love, focuses on serving others (rather than on being served), and looks for ways to establish justice in the daily paths of life. A Christlike church culture always has its eyes on people because the mission of the church is all about God's redemptive love for people." (p. 23)

I have seen way too many toxic cultures and way too few Christlike cultures in churches over the past 23 years. Stay tuned for the coming chapters on the dangers of church cultures that have become toxic as well as the habits of churches that form a culture of goodness/tov.

A Church Called Tov  - Introduction

Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barringer wrote this book after the unraveling at Willow Creek, a megachurch near them which they had been part of in the past. While the Willow Creek story unfolded, Harvest Bible Chapel, another megachurch in the Chicago area, dismissed its founding pastor, charging him with decades of "insulting, belittling, and verbally bullying others...improperly exercising positional and spiritual authority over others to his own advantage... [and] extravagant spending utilizing church resources resulting in personal benefit" as part of "a substantial pattern of sinful behavior." (p. 4)  

Their thesis: "In the absence of a culture that resists abuse and promotes healing, safety, and spiritual growth, the heartbreaking truth is that churches of all shapes and sizes are susceptible to abuses of power, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse." (p. 5) 

This is where I come in. "The tragedy of these and far too many other stories is that, instead of focusing on the wounded, the victims, and the survivors of abuse, these organizations focused on themselves, on their leadership, on their own self-interest. They protected the guilty, hid from accountability, and silenced the wounded." (p. 5)

For the past 23 years, we've been part of non-denominational churches started by pastors who wanted to be in charge, who couldn't get along with the denominational set-up in their churches (the committees, the deacons, etc.) Some of these churches had no accountability board at all. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor and "voted" on by the church. Though there may have been a few "no" votes, in general people didn't know enough or care enough to ever reject an elder candidate. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor with the congregation given the opportunity to inform the pastor if they knew any reason the person shouldn't be an elder. To my knowledge, that never happened. In all but one of these churches, the congregation never saw or voted on a budget.  And it wasn't long before the cracks appeared in the kingdoms these pastors had built. In our last church, we dared to speak up, and that was the end of us.

Tov is the Hebrew word for good. And this book is going to suggest "what it takes to form a culture of goodness in our churches that will resist abuses of power, promote healing, and eradicate the toxic fallout that infects so many Christian organizations." (p. 8)

Here's goes nothing!

I haven't posted on this blog in over five years.  I was using it mainly to post stuff we were doing as a family, and it just seemed silly since I would also post on Facebook and was scrapbooking. 

However, I've recently been wanting to write out my thoughts about books I was reading or what was going on in the news and/or culture, and Facebook doesn't seem like a good place to do that. First of all, their algorithms filter so much of what I see there, and there are so many ads. Secondly, Facebook just seems to be a firestorm of nastiness much of the time.

So, I decided to resurrect this blog with no pressure to post pictures or even have anybody read or comment on it. I'm just going to put stuff here that I want to think about or that I want to able to find again in the future.

So, I'm going to start with some posts about a book I started reading a week or so ago called A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barrington.  I've been looking forward to reading this book since hearing them talk about it several times.

Before I post anything about the book, I'm going to copy and paste here a post I put on Facebook in September, mostly so that I can remember my thoughts and feelings about attending a new church.

This past Sunday we visited a new church. We had done our research, and the church's website ticked a lot of boxes for us (weekly communion, emphasis on discipleship and community, etc.). I loved everything about the service. I was close to weeping when the time was taken to pray for the specific needs of the people. There was no clapping after the sermon as if it were a performance.

HOWEVER, the only people who ever said a single word to us were the greeters at the door who said good morning. I am still trying to process this. I am trying to make allowances for COVID and how it has changed things, but this is just not acceptable. Members and regular attenders need to invest more than just a hello. People must be willing to have conversations with new people.

To be honest, we never would have stayed at our last church for this exact same reason if it wasn't for one couple (no longer even at that church) who learned our names the first week and remembered them, who called us by name, and said more than a word or two to us every week. Even that wasn't doing it for us until that same couple found a place for us to serve 14 months after we started attending there. In my opinion, it should NEVER take that long to feel like your church is your family. It shouldn't matter whether or not you knew a single person at that church before you started attending. The body of Christ/church is supposed to be a family.

After we became settled, we tried every week to talk at length with people we didn't know, people who were sitting alone with no one talking to them. And this wasn't just to their benefit, but also to ours. We met a lot of wonderful people and learned interesting things about them.

Pastors, church leaders, etc., some of you need to do a better job of modeling this and training your people to do it as well. And if you've experienced this same thing in a church, be willing to get out of your comfort zone so that no one else ever has to experience this again.

Back to School 2015

Heritage Christian Academy (which is the silly name we gave our home school many years ago) started back to school on Friday, July 31. We don't usually go back to school on a Friday, but our Sonlight curriculum operates on a Monday-Friday schedule. We have to take a Friday off during our second week of school to go to North Carolina for a wedding. So we just started our Sonlight stuff on a Friday.

I cannot believe that this is the very last year I will have more than one student at home. Where has all the time gone?

And can I just say that, although it has sometimes been hard, it has been good. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! New homeschool moms, don't give up. Treasure the time!

And just for fun, here's one of my sweet students begging to have her picture taken at Target.

Illinois Trip - July 2015

We arrived in Illinois on Thursday, July 2, after a trip that took about four hours longer than it should have due to rain and the accompanying accidents.  I spent Friday afternoon helping my mom with paperwork, trying to simplify things for her.   The rest of Friday, all day Saturday and Sunday after church were spent beginning the long process of helping mom get rid of junk.  I spent almost 4 whole days during this trip cleaning out one room.  I didn't even get the entire walk-in closet finished.  There are probably six more areas with a comparable amount of stuff that need to be cleaned out.  Maybe after Chase graduates next year, Carys and I will be able to go twice a year.  It was a very overwhelming process, so I won't go into more detail.

On Monday, July 6, Chase and I drove to Columbia, MO, to meet my friend Laura for lunch.  Laura and I have been online friends for at least 15 years, so it was great fun to meet in person.  We had a very long lunch and visit at a Mongolian grill called Hu Hot (I think).

Laura took this picture of Chase and me after lunch.  Chase so rarely allows herself to be photographed, so this is a very special picture to me!

On Tuesday, my high school friend Ethan met us at the Belleville Philharmonic to give Chase an introduction to the cello.  We had a fabulous time chatting and catching up, and Chase adored getting to play around with his cello.

On Wednesday, July 8, we all headed to Warrensburg, MO, to see Gerren.  On the way through St. Louis, we stopped at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery where my dad was buried last May (2014).  This was the first time Mom had been to the cemetery.  It was raining, and we got pretty wet but it was worth it.

Next we went over to The London Tea Room for lunch.  Chase has been asking to go there since 2010.  We finally made it, and it was seriously worth the wait!  The tea and pastries were delicious.  We will definitely be back.

I didn't take a single picture while we were with Gerren.  Right as we were driving into town his truck broke down.  So, we waited to get it towed then headed to the hotel to check in and back to the auto shop to get his stuff out of the truck.  We went on base and got visitor's passes then headed to a really good local Mexican restaurant for dinner.  Warrensburg, where our hotel was, is about 20 minutes from the base.  So we had to go pick Gerren up Thursday morning then go back to Warrensburg as there is really nothing to do on base or in Knob Noster.  We started back to my mom's after lunch that afternoon.

On Friday, we drove over to the Missouri Botanical Gardens in St. Louis.  I haven't been there in more than 20 years (pre kids).  Chase took some incredible pictures there, and I can't possibly include them all.  :)  Around 3:00pm, we left the garden and headed to the zoo.  Carys always begs to go to the zoo, but we've been there more than anywhere else.  We decided to just see a few animals.  It was crowded and hot, though.

Aren't Chase's pictures, gorgeous?

 

The Lantern Festival highlights the gardens every summer, but it costs $22 to visit at night when they are lit up.  We still got to see them during the day, and they were amazing.

 

I had to instruct Chase to take pictures with people in them!  :)

 

This is the gravesite of Henry Shaw, whose beautiful home was the beginning of these gardens.

 

See the girls on top of the gazebo?

 

Carys wants to pose everywhere. :)

 

The girls had a blast feeding the fish/ducks (you're supposed to feed the fish, but the ducks let very little food actually get to the fish).


 I actually took these pictures.

Love this one!

See what I mean about the posing?

They have a fabulous education center at the gardens which was a welcome relief from the heat.

And finally a few more of Chase's beautiful photographs.

After the zoo, we headed to The Hill for Italian food - the best in St. Louis.  We chose Zia's this time.  Greg and I ate there on our 20th anniversary.  We took the whole family to Cunetto's when we were in the area in 2012.  The food was fabulous, but when we got to the car Carys realized she'd left her lip bump (orthodontic appliance) on the table.  Fortunately, it was in a purple retainer case and couldn't be easily missed.  Chase went back for it, but they couldn't find it.  I had to go make a nuisance of myself.  Finally the manager checked the dish bins in the kitchen and found it.  By the time we got back to Belleville, I was so tired of driving that I was completely dreading the trip back to Florida on Monday.

On Saturday, the girls and I got together with my dear friend Pam at White Cottage for ice cream.  Then we headed to her house so Carys could swim in the pool.  She swam for awhile, but her main interest was the dogs.  She played and played with them, and then Scott brought out the pet rats.  Carys can't wait to go back.  I'm pretty sure Pam's house is better than the zoo. 

On Sunday after church we headed to my cousin Abbey's house for a family get together.  Abbey was so gracious to plan this when several of us out-of-towners were going to be in the area.  It was so great to get to see my extended family again.  We often go many years between visits as there are now so many of us living out of state.

I asked Chase to take pictures, but the only ones she took were of my cousin Jane's grandbaby, Gabby.

She was pretty sweet!  I loved holding her. :)

I love St. Louis.  I'd move here in a heartbeat.  There are so many great things to do, much of it free or very low cost.  Of course, I'd probably get tired of the winters pretty quickly. :)


We headed back to Florida on Monday morning, and I'm happy to say that the trip home was much easier.  We didn't get a drop of rain, so the only traffic we hit was Atlanta.  I think I'm going to find an alternate route to Illinois that avoids Atlanta before we go back! :)

Miscellaneous Happenings - June and July 2015

The month of June just flew by!  Carys took swimming lessons at one of the city pool's.  The lessons were 45 minutes long on two mornings a week.  Her favorite part was taking them with her HEART friend Susannah.  I also enjoyed getting to chat with Susannah's mom, Karun.  Once a week, we stayed after lessons to swim for fun.

The memorable part happened one morning when a duck landed in the pool.  We thought he was injured or sick and couldn't fly because of the wobbly way he ended up in the pool.  It took quite an effort on the part of the lifeguards to get him to fly away.  When he did leave, he looked fine.  So, we're not sure what, if anything, was wrong with him.  There was definitely a lot of screaming and squealing, most of which came from the girls' teenage instructor!

Chase took quite a few excellent pictures of birds at her feeder using my good camera. 

On the last day of swimming lessons, we left from the pool for Illinois.  When my mom was here in December/January, we arranged to go up there and help here start getting rid of stuff from her house.  So, we planned a two-week trip in July.  I'll put all of that in a separate post. 

We got back to Florida on July 14, leaving us just two-and-a-half weeks until starting school.  We spent most of it relaxing.  The girls and I played seven Nancy Drew games together this summer.  It was so much fun!

The only other momentous event in July occurred when Carys decided to get her ears pierced.

 And I just have to include this picture of Carys in her favorite reading spot.