Worship Service Music

Let’s talk about a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot this week--the music part of church services. I won’t call it “worship” in church, because worship is not synonymous with music. Worship is so much more than music.

What do we (whether a worship leader or a congregation member) want from the music during church? If you want to put on or watch a performance, then don’t read further. These comments are not for you.

If you’re looking for a communal experience of building one another up as you worship, then I have some thoughts for those leading the music.

First, do not introduce more than one new song each week.  And when you introduce a new song, sing it three weeks in a row. People cannot participate when they do not know the song. This is something Kennon Bickhart was great at!

Second, not every song on the radio is singable by a group of people. Many churches have done away with the “special music” part of the service, where a soloist would present a song. Because of that, maybe we’re trying to turn every song into a congregational song?  I don’t know, but that just doesn’t work.

I have been in more than one church where the congregation has been scolded about not singing along, when the songs were either unknown or too difficult to sing.

Third, if the purpose of the music is to worship God and to build one another up, the people need to be able to hear each other singing. If the music is too loud for that, it needs to be turned down. Michael Hendricks wrote in The Other Half of Church, “When we sing to each other, the words, the melody, the sound from musical instruments, and the expressions on our faces as we all sing enter our back-right hemisphere and travel forward. The right side is nonverbal, so the words flow to the front without being fully processed, but the other input is full of material that creates right-brain imagery. Facial expressions, melody, and the relational tone of our community as we all sing stimulate our right brains to build joy, relational attunement, character, and identity.” None of this will happen if we can’t hear and see each other sing… if we’re not singing at all because the songs are unknown or too musically difficult to follow.

The theology of the songs we’re singing is another point that could be made here, but it’s a topic in and of itself.

The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation

The elders at our church are reading this book together, and two of them are in our supper club.  One family graciously bought books for everyone to have, and we started reading it together two or three times a week after dinner.  We're only in chapter 2 and we are getting so much out of it!

The basic premise is that character formation happens in the right brain, yet almost everything we do to promote spiritual growth in our churches is a left-brained activity. Michael Hendricks, the author, was the Spiritual Formation Pastor at his church. He wrote, "Most leaders, like me, have never developed their own maturity skills. Churches are filled with leaders who are gifted at theology, preaching, and vision-casting, but may not have relational and emotional skills." (p. 42) This hit us all between the eyes because it so perfectly describes the church we recently left more than any other toxic churches we've belonged to in the past.

Hendricks talked about Dallas Willard and his book The Great Omission, which I have actually read.  "Dallas Willard wrote that pastors often focus on less important tasks and push aside the most important job of discipleship. This is a natural result of left-brained Christianity, which gravitates toward strategies that are measurable--number of dollars, number of people, number of campuses, number of small groups. The slow, messy work of character formation, which is hard to measure, is displaced by quantifiable goals." (p. 42)

Our previous pastor spent hours and hours with the elders working out a specific, detailed church discipline policy, so that there was no need to do the "slow, messy work".

We can't wait to read more of this book!

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 12: "Tov Churches Nurture Christlikeness", Part 2

The authors wind up their message in this wonderful book by defining pastor, church, and success. Their final words are prescriptive.

First, what is a pastor? The authors begin with a long quote from Eugene Peterson, which is fabulous but too long to post here. Get the book and read it. Peterson asserts that the crisis of pastors and congregations becoming disillusioned with each other has become epidemic. He wonders if a "cultural assumption that all leaders are people who 'get things done' and 'make things happen' is at the root of this crisis. (p. 211) McKnight and Barringer pick up on this and assert that a tov culture requires a church to "operate according to God's design, not the latest leadership model." (p. 211)  Furthermore, God's design to a pastor is stated as follows: "A pastor is someone called to nurture Christoformity in himself or herself and in others." (p. 211)

"It is a sad fact that many pastors (and therefore many congregants) think the primary purpose of Sunday mornings is to preach (or listen to) a sermon. Preaching is part of the purpose, but when it becomes the central or all-encompassing purpose, Sunday mornings become little more than 'come hear me preach.' A 'come hear me preach' culture is not tov." (p. 212-213)  Barringer admits that she's been guilty of this obsession with preaching, and so have I.  I read not long ago an article in Premier Christianity magazine by Skye Jethani called "The Case Against Sermon-Centric Sundays" which really changed my thinking. Excellent preaching can be found anywhere today, thanks to technology.  Gathering together on Sunday should be based around community, sharing the Lord's Supper, etc. Those things cannot be replaced online. 

Barringer tells how their transition from Willow Creek to a church that follows the church calendar changed everything for them. They began to understand that the "purpose of church is not the preacher." The service builds toward taking and receiving the Lord's Supper with their church family rather than toward a sermon. Their pastor places the bread in their hands and calls each congregant by name. She concludes, "We've come to understand that 'church' is not an event, and it is not about the pastor's sermon. Church attendance is about joining a community of believers and being nurtured in the faith. Church is about soul work and confession of sin. Church is about relationships and community--which take time to build. Church is about knowing and being known, loving and being loved, serving and being served... We love our pastor because he is gentle and humble, he knows our names, and he is happy to see us, not because he's a good speaker." (p. 213-215)

Second, what is a church? The authors begin with what the church is not--a business.  It's not "producing a product, and it doesn't gauge success based on measurables." (p. 215) "Church as a people, not an organization, business, or enterprise, is the means by which other people are enfolded into God's family. Our purpose is redemptive and restorative, not for profit, position, or power." (p. 216) Finally, "the genius of the church is the expansion to include Gentiles, those who were formerly outside the covenant and strangers to the promises. The church is a multiethnic, multinational, multiracial--and thus multicultural--community of redeemed people under one King, Jesus." (p. 217)

So, let's redefine what it means for a church to be successful.  "Growing in Christlikeness stands in stark contrast to achievement culture measured by numbers, power, prestige, and money." (p. 217-218) In Philippians 2:5-11, Paul used Jesus' cross-bearing life to redefine true success. (p. 218) "The cross-bearing life...is a life surrendered to Jesus for the sake of others." (p. 219) This is the calling that a tov church will pursue. "Tov summons pastors--get a good grip on this--to pastor the people they have, not the people they don't have. Growth, in all its aspects, is the work of the Holy Spirit, not the work of the pastor, the leaders, or the church." (p. 219) "We help one another become more like Jesus through the exercise of spiritual gifts, as each person contributes to the whole and to one another." (p. 219) This is impossible to do when the pastor and elders rule with an iron fist or when everyone shows up to see the show on Sunday.

The final short section of this book is entitled "What Can We Do?" And that is the question, isn't it? The authors have adapted suggestions from Patrick Keifert and Wesley Granber-Michaelson, two experts on church change who have worked with congregations to transform their cultures for decades. (p. 222)

1. Express the mission of God for your church as tov, which is characterized perfectly in working together to become more like Jesus.
2. Open space for the creative work of God's Spirit to lead your church into tov,  and avoid programming, governing, and constraining this creative work of God's Spirit.
3. At all levels become available to the revealing discernment of the Holy Spirit for how tov can take root in your church.
4. Dwell in the Word.
5. Cooperate with other churches in the process of eradicating a toxic culture and forming your church into a church called tov.

Thank you to anyone who read along with me on this journey. Even if no one did, this process was cathartic for me. I am so grateful that Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer took the time to write this book, but I am so crushed that there was a huge need for it. Mostly, I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me to become part of a tov culture wherever I gather with other believers to worship Him.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 12: "Tov Churches Nurture Christlikeness", Part 1

In the final chapter, McKnight and Barringer contend that a new culture based on achievement and accomplishment rather than holiness and Christlikeness has taken root in the church. (p. 201) What exactly does that mean?

First, "achievement and accomplishment are two foundational pillars of a meritocracy, which refers to power (-cracy from the Greek kratos) based on merit--that is, based on value, worth, or what we deserve or earn." (p. 202) To explain the negative impact this has on the church, the authors turn again to David Brooks and his book The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life. Brooks explains that meritocracy has become so thoroughly ingrained in us that words have changed their meanings without us even noticing.  For example: " 'Character' is no longer a moral quality oriented around love, service, and care, but a set of workplace traits organized around grit, productivity, and self-discipline." "Community" becomes a "mass of talented individuals competing with one another."  Brooks contends that a meritocracy will swallow you whole if you don't have a different competing value system. (p. 202-203)

I am so tempted to just type the entire next paragraph because it strikes such a chord in my soul.  I've seen it happen time and time again.  I just didn't realize exactly what was happening.  "Churches today have been so greatly influenced by meritocracy," write the authors, "that they now define pastor with business-culture terms instead of biblical terms."  He's called a leader or entrepreneur or visionary which, according to the authors, means "they've already ceased to be pastors in any biblical sense...Moreover, 'pastor as leader' blurs the lines of headship in the church, and people begin to lose sight of the church's one true and only head, Jesus Christ." (p. 203)

McKnight says he noticed the following things when the church began to be influenced by the business world (p. 204):

1. Pastors become leaders, entrepreneurs, or visionaries--and wealthy ones at that, in some cases.
2. The pastor's preparation no longer required seminary, the foundation for most pastors for centuries.
3. The church was now referred to as an organization [organization] rather than an organism [living body of Christ].
4. The Bible became a source for finding leadership principles.
5. The church began producing a product, which naturally led to positioning, advertising, and promoting the product.
6. The church now needed a vision statement and a mission statement, both terms that came out of "best practices" in the business world.
7. Churches began to do customer satisfaction surveys.
8. The bottom line (another business term) was that the church now needed a bottom line, typically measured by butts in the pews, "giving units," or dollar contributed.

I have seen all of these things in churches we've belonged to in the past 25+ years. Some had all of them, wealthy pastors, branding, etc. Every single one had a mission statement.  I never thought about where that idea came from!  Interestingly, when Willow Creek Community Church began looking for a new senior pastor after the fallout from the Bill Hybel's scandal, the job description confirmed the above list of business-oriented qualifications. McKnight interpreted, "Jesus and the apostles need not apply. Of maybe we should rethink the pastor-as-CEO concept altogether." (p. 206)

Is there anyone of any reknown who is actually a pastor and not a CEO? McKnight mentions "the late Eugene Peterson, well-known translator of The Message and author of some of the finest books ever written for pastors [who] staunchly resisted the invasion of a business culture into the lifeblood of the church." (p. 207) 

McKnight made two words clouds, one out of the job description for Willow Creek's senior pastor and one out of verses in the Bible that talk about pastors. (p. 206-207) The difference could not be starker! McKnight writes, "Two pastors, one focused on leadership principles and the other focused on spiritual formation. Two cultures forming around two separate images. One will become tov (with all its attributes), and the other will become toxic (and it will not surprise anyone when people are treated abusively and with disrespect.)" (p. 208) And that is exactly what we found in our previous church.

McKnight, who is in his sixties, reminisces about his childhood, where no one "ever talked about surrendering their life to become a leader." (p. 208) In fact, he says, "Do you know how many times Jesus talked about people becoming leaders? Not once." (p. 209) Even Paul used the term leader only a handful of times. "It might be fair to say that what the church needs are not pastor-leaders but pastors who will shepherd under the Great Shepherd, Jesus." (p. 209) The only leadership pastors should be providing is "by leading toward spiritual formation." (p. 209)

This move to become a leader or influencer "connotes a self-centered emphasis on that person's role and identity" rather than on Christ. "Instead of focusing on 'leadership development,' we should be focusing on Christ and Christ alone as our model, and Christlikeness as the core identity of every Christian--yes, including Christian pastors. The role of the pastor, then, is to mentor people into Christlikeness." (p. 210) I assert that you cannot do that once a week from a stage.  You must get involved in people's lives!

This is already a long post, so I think I'll finish this final chapter in another post. Stay tuned!

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 11: "Tov Churches Nurture Service"

The authors begin this chapter by comparing the celebrity pastor with the servant pastor. Those are accurate terms in my opinion. "The celebrity pastor finds a way to make it all about garnering praise for himself--his vision, his ministry, his success, his glory... people don't matter...the only narratives told are those that prop up the pastor's vision and success...For the servant pastor, everything is different. A culture of service turns everyone toward one another instead of toward themselves...People are first...truth is told, and doing what is right shapes the mission of the church. (p. 176)

McKnight and Barringer are not suggesting that pastors sacrifice themselves and their families for the sake of their churches. "Pastors and congregations, as a group and as individuals, must balance self-care and serving others in creating a church called tov." (p. 178) No matter which side a pastor/congregation leans toward, there are temptations to go too far in that direction.

Therefore, the authors next mention two temptations for service-oriented churches--serving to be seen or celebrated, and drawing attention to how sacrificial our service is. (p. 179) How can we avoid these pitfalls? "...only be creating a genuine service culture that permeates our lives and the life of the church--a culture in which ordinary actions of service are the norm, in and out of season, without the need for congratulations or acclaim." (p. 181)

"The concept of tov is rooted in the ordinary...A life in service to others is not heroic. Rather, it is ordinary people helping ordinary people who happen to be in their path as they travel through life."  No one lived this concept better than my father-in-law, Calvin Meahl. When he died suddenly in 2000, his visitation and funeral service were packed with people whose lives he had touched in years of working at an auto parts store in our small town as well as serving in his church there. His sons have picked up this mantle from him. But in many ways, the authors note, "ordinary has acquired the connotation of 'not good enough'." (p. 182) Everyone wants to be a celebrity, an Instagram influencer, etc.

The authors now address the other side of the scale, celebrity syndrome. They repeat their assertion that "celebrity culture has little to do with the size of the church...what matters is not the size of the church but the size of the pastor's ego." (p. 184) Their comment that "behind every celebrity pastor is an adoring congregation" (p. 184) really struck home with me. In our former church, there was a group of people who applauded after every sermon as if it was a performance.

Many times celebrity pastors don't serve others because they see themselves as superior. The elders and congregation often treat them that way, as well. The next step may be that they "assume they are exempt from ordinary rules and standards." (p. 186) "They yell and scream at others, and their bullying behaviors are ignored. When they are not ignored, they are excused." (p. 186) That last quote hits way too close to home for me.

"Celebrity pastors don't arise in service-oriented churches. They need the toxic soil of a celebrity-driven church culture." (p. 187) Amy Simpson wrote an article for Christianity Today which the authors quote here, "Among the factors behind the failures of James MacDonald, Mark Driscoll, and others is a habit of aggressively marginalizing critics and surrounding themselves with people who reinforced their sense of celebrity and cleared obstacles from their paths." (p. 187) The elders at our former church are chosen by the pastor. The last elder who would actually stand up to him rotated off the board four months before all hell broke loose.

Can you name the pastor of the church at Thessalonica? At Corinth? Berea? Ephesus? Galatia? (p. 188) No, because they weren't celebrities! "When a pastor and a church become celebrities, when visibility, fame, reputation, and branding get the upper hand, the church will not longer be people-first..." or have any of the other qualities of a tov church. "Such a culture becomes toxic and potentially abusive." (p. 189)

What can we do to break the celebrity syndrome? Get off the merry-go-round ourselves by internalizing three statements (p. 189):

1. There is no such thing as the most important pastor in a denomination, in an area, or in America.
2. There is no such thing as the most important church in a denomination, etc.
3. The terms "celebrity pastor" and "celebrity church" contradict the way of Jesus (and break his heart, by the way).

So we turn to Jesus, the anti-celebrity, the Servant of all servants. (p. 190-193) James and John didn't get it and asked to sit at his right hand. After putting them in their places, Jesus said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great amount you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. " (Mark 10:42-45) "Pastors, leaders, and churches are to be known for what their Lord and Savior is known for: sacrifice for the sake of others. Service. Servanthood." (p. 193) 

In the final section of this chapter, the author gives suggestions for developing a servant culture in our churches (p. 195-200). They are as follows:

• Leaders leading others to serve - Of course, developing a servant culture begins with leaders serving. "Every pastor, minister, and director should be serving others." (p. 195) This is exactly the problem in almost every non-denominational church we've been a part of for the past 25+ years. The pastors do NOT serve; they want to be served. They never even darken the doors of the children's area. They do not visit their members' homes or marry them or visit them in the hospital (or if they do, they do so grudgingly). One pastor demanded the elders hire an associate pastor because he was working 60 hours a week.  When they asked him to write down where he was spending his time, he could only come up with 40 hours a week and that included Sunday services. 
• Stop shining the spotlight - "Talking publicly about people in the church who are seeing should be prohibited. " (p. 197)
• Avoid benevolence and paternalism - Avoid the mindset of the "haves" doing nice things for the "have-nots" or the powerful helping the powerless.  (p. 197)
• Make service a spiritual discipline - "Power has a way of ruining people...[pastors] must work hard to find moments of equality with others...pastors, ministry leaders, prominent parishioners should turn service into a spiritual discipline."  Pastors aren't immune from the old saying "power corrupts". The authors continue, "Pastors must be accessible." Our previous church had an employee handbook in which employees were instructed that if they needed to speak to the pastor for longer than 3 minutes, they had to make an appointment.! "Pastors who are too busy to pastor the people in their church, who are too detached to be spoken to, who are too inaccessible to receive emails and text messages, are too big for their britches. What does it mean to be a pastor if one has no connection to the people?" (p. 198) We have churches full of lead teachers rather than pastors. You can find excellent teaching anywhere nowadays, but a local church should be where you find a pastor.
• Share the pulpit - This is a good way to de-elevate the pastor's status. (p. 199)
• Develop the discipline of losing arguments - "The goal is to create a culture within leadership that says, 'We matter more than I  matter." (p. 200) McKnight says a pastor should lose some of the arguments with his leadership team.  Ha! Our former pastor threatened to quit every time he didn't get his way.  And the elders let him get away with it!
• Lead with transparency - A pastor must be able to receive correction and admit error--as should we all.  (p. 200)

The next post will be the final post on this awesome book and will cover the final chapter entitled "Tov Churches Nurture Christlikeness."

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 10: "Tov Churches Nurture Justice"

The authors begin this chapter by telling the story of Rachael Denhollander, best known for being the first to accuse Larry Nassar of sexual abuse.  However, she also fought tirelessly to expose the sexual abuse and consequent coverup in the Sovereign Grace Churches network. Rachael got in trouble when her church invited C.J. Mahaney, the leader of the SGC, to preach at the church. She had already expressed her concerns with Mahaney to her elders because of the allegations against him of covering up sexual abuse in the network.  "She was then labeled 'divisive' by church leaders and was told by a...pastor, 'You cannot discuss SGC in any context where another member might hear that your position differs from the leadership's.' That is a classic example of placing loyalty before truth." (p. 161) The details of the SGC story are sickening. 

Bill Hybels and the leaders of Willow Creek and James McDonald and the leaders of Harvest Bible Chapel are just two examples of church leaders and congregations who valued loyalty above everything else. Why? And this is the question I've been contemplating since we left another non-denominational church six months ago. Why did the elders choose loyalty to the pastor and the "reputation" of the church over "honesty, integrity, justice, and righteousness"? "Toxic cultures breed misplaced and corrupted loyalty." (p. 166)

McKnight and Barringer dig into the question "what is justice?".  According to society, "the foundation of justice is a standard by which we measure what is just or right." (p. 166) As Christians, justice should be defined as "behavior that measures up to or conforms with what God has revealed to us in Christ and in Scripture." (p. 167) Something I've learned from many different sources over the past few years is that the Greek word translated righteousness, dikaiosune, can also be translated as justice. "Justice means to be empowered through the Spirit to do the right thing. and the "right thing" is what Jesus teaches...loving God and loving others." (p. 168)

So, how can we build a justice culture in our churches? The authors recommend the following steps.

• Know what justice looks like - doing what is right at the right time. (p. 169-170)
• Recognize injustice - look to James 2 for an example (p. 170-172)
• Recognize the fallout, and press on - "Sometimes this means admitting fault and confessing sin, and sometimes it means coming under attack and taking hits...Doing the right thing requires courage." (p. 172)
• Tell stories about doing the right thing - The story of Martin Niemoller is a good example. (p. 172-174)

In the next blog post, we'll move on to a culture that nurtures service.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 9: "Tov Churches Nurture Truth"

Laura Barringer is a first-grade teacher, and she begins this chapter by listing some of the things her students have said to her about her and about their families.  As a former teacher, it cracked me up.  "Kids are natural truthtellers. We have much to learn from the truth-telling tendencies of young children." (p. 136)

Greg has always been adamant about truth-telling in his own personal life and with our kids.  He's quit and been fired from jobs because of his insistence on telling the truth.  The authors insist that "there is no room in a church called tov for lying, deceit, cover-ups, suppression, gaslighting, or spin. All those things are toxic." (p. 137) It's astonishing to me that this even needs to be said!

McKnight and Barringer suggest three ingredients to form a truth telling culture.

1. Knowing the Truth - It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit "that we can know and learn the truth." See John 15 and 16. (p. 139)
2. Doing the Truth - "Followers of Jesus are to be truth tellers. Likewise, a truth-telling culture emerges from people who live in the truth." (p. 140)
3. Surrendering to the Truth - Truth telling can be hard. It's risky. It can mean losing everything. "A truth-telling culture calls us to surrender to the truth--to be humble and vulnerable and willing to submit ourselves to the truth even when it's most difficult." (p. 141)

Only the truth can set us free. The authors write that "God's judgment is against those who 'suppress the truth' and create false narratives...What motivates false narratives is a zealous ambition to protect a brand, defend a reputation, or preserve the glory of an ambitious leader, a zealous church, and its board of leaders." (p. 142)

What should be done when a church and its leaders resist truth telling, when they refuse to listen, when they circle the wagons to protect themselves? The authors recommend that "it is biblical--and best--to go public." (p. 144) The Bible calls it prophetic action. "The prophets were not called to the negotiating table...They were called to the platform of public proclamation." (p. 145) We've seen what happens next. Bloggers, journalists, and authors dig up the details and write about the story. The Chicago Tribune broke the Willow Creek scandal. The Houston Chronicle wrote a four-part story about sexual abuse cover-ups in the Southern Baptist Convention. Journalist and blogger Julie Roys broke the Harvest Bible Chapel/James McDonald scandal. 

The Bible is our example of truth telling. "...people in the Bible are shown for who they are--warts and all." (p. 146) Atonement was very important to the ancient Israelites. They had an entire day set aside for it--Yom Kippur. "A commitment to confession, repentance, sacrifice, purification, and forgiveness were at the heart of Jewish culture." (p. 148) Confession is still necessary today. "To attempt to 'move on' past our sin without truth-telling confession is to cheapen God's grace." (p. 148) The authors quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship which I have not read but will now add to my list. LOL!

How can we put Yom Kippur into practice as Christians?  Well, it was "not a one-and-done event" (p. 152). The authors think "we need a regular Yom Kippur-like season in our churches to ensure that truth telling becomes foundational to our culture."  I think that's a good idea, as long as the leaders are as interested in confession and repentance as the congregation. Churches that observe the church calendar, already have a practice in place - Lent. McKnight insists that leaders who don't embrace times of introspection and confession "fail to see the depth of their problems, and therefore fail to repent and fail to reconcile with God." (p. 153) Included is a liturgical prayer that Willow Creek could have used to express confession and repentance in their situation. 

"Truth telling is not instinctive in toxic cultures where false narratives proliferate. It must be developed. In a church called tov, truth telling becomes a way of life, a way of constant exposure to our tov God who reveals himself in Jesus Christ."  

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 8: "Tov Churches Nurture a People-First Culture"

As a church grows, there is a tendency to put the institution ahead of the people. I've seen this happen time and time again. If a church has the values of empathy, compassion, and grace, these values can become the basis for a people-first culture. The authors tell the story of Fred Rogers as an example.  Maxwell King, in his biography The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers, said, "Fred Rogers never--ever--let the urgency of work or life impede his focus on what he saw as basic human values: integrity, respect, responsibility, fairness and compassion, and...kindness." (p. 122)

The authors discuss the work of Mitch Randall, an ordained Southern Baptist pastor and the executive director of EthicsDaily.com who created a definition of theological malpractice. He believes that beliefs that placed the institution of the church over the humanity of victims are a perversion of the gospel. (p. 125) The authors summarize this term as follows:

1. It perverts the gospel of tov.
2. It begins in male-centeredness and fosters anti-female attitudes.
3. It protects the institution at the expense of the people.
4. It protects the leaders of the institution.
5. It violates human rights.
6. It damages people. (p. 125)

So, what to do? The authors suggest five essential practices.

1. Treat people as people. "People with names and histories and stories. People who are doing well and people who are not. People who are recovering from church abuse. People who've had surgeries and sicknesses. People who are aging. People who are rich and poor and everything in between. People who are wounded and in need of healing, people who are unemployed and underemployed, people who need encouragement or tangible assistance." (p. 127) A couple of years ago, I had surgery and spent a night in the hospital. I had offers of assistance from one person, a close friend. No one else even bothered to check in. There is something wrong with that!
2. Enfold others into the community. This practice is actually #1 going deeper. It's about including one another into the life of the others in the church inside and outside the building. It takes time to develop deep relationships.  "Billi Milliken, founder of Communities in Schools,...said, 'I've been working in this field for fifty years...and I've never seen a program turn around a life. Only relationships turn around lives.'" (p. 128) I believe deep in my soul that this must be modeled and practiced by the pastor and church staff.  If they don't get involved in the lives of the congregation beyond their current friend group, what motivation will others in the church have to do it?  
3. Recognize all people as made in the image of God. "Recognizing all people as made in the image of God means always seeing their potential, not just their present sinful condition." (p. 130)
4. Treat people as siblings. What does that look like? "Siblings care about one another...look out for one another...protect one another...believe one another...trust one another...see the good and the bad and love each other anyway." (p. 131)
5. Develop Jesus-like eyes for people. Jesus saw beyond out appearances. He looked at people with compassion, and he acted on that compassion. (p. 131-132) "The apostle Paul had a similar heart for people--though many people today get him wrong on this one." (p. 132) The authors reference 2 Corinthians 2:12-13 to prove their point. Look it up! Paul loved Titus so much that he left his planned route to go find Titus. They also mention Paul's great love for the church in Colossae references in Colossians 1:28-2:2. (p. 133)

"The Bible's vision of tov is all about people in relationship with others...A people-first culture instinctively treats people as image bearers and as siblings...Relationships in the Circle of Tovare shaped by one of the Bible's most beautiful words: truth." (p. 133-134)

And that is where the next chapter is headed.  I can't wait.  The lack of a truth culture was a HUGE issue in our previous church. Secrecy, cover-ups, lack of transparency...all of these were present there. 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 7: "Tov Churches Nurture Grace"

"Pastors shaped by goodness are grace dispensers, agents of God called to help, be with, and offer grace to those whom they are called to serve." (p 113) I saw a huge dichotomy between the pastor of our former church and our son's pastor. Our pastor didn't want to do weddings, funerals, or hospital visits. He didn't want to interact with his congregation other than the members of his small group--the chosen ones. Our son's pastor saw his job as visiting regularly in the homes of his people. He was devastated when COVID-19 made that more difficult. 

The authors then delineate seven features of a grace-filled church revolving around the definition of grace as a gift. "The entirety of the Christian life is a response to the gift of grace our tov God has given us." (p. 117) As church members recognize and receive God's gift of grace, "we become a gift-based family of grace givers and receivers...The gift of grace does not establish a hierarchy of power relationships, in which some people are deemed superior to others." (p. 117)

It is important to note that we aren't capable of being grace-filled on our own. The Holy Spirit transforms church members from "enemies and strangers into friends and family." (p. 117)  We need the Holy Spirit to "transform us into a flourishing family filled with people-first people and givers of grace." (p. 117)  I love that description--people-first people. The people have to be more important than any program or pastor or employee handbook, etc...

In the last section of this chapter, McKnight and Barringer briefly spell out requirements for a grace-shaped church culture (p. 119-120). 

• trust - "the invisible glue that binds people together"
• reciprocity - "we must give in order to get"
• freedom - "A fear-based culture stifles freedom through legalism, authoritarianism, status, and approval-based relationships."
• space/room - "room to learn and make mistakes" 

In the next chapter, we'll dive into the goodness found in a people-first church culture.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 6: "Tov Churches Nurture Empathy"

Empathy is a word that describes Jesus to the core, and "compassion is the outworking of empathy." (p. 100) "Any church that claims connection to Jesus, and any church that wants to follow Jesus, absolutely must have a heart for the wounded and the marginalized. Sadly many churches lack empathy and therefore lack compassion." (p. 103) The authors then list examples of people who often face a lack of empathy and compassion in churches, then state, "Churches that follow Jesus don't' simply take up a cause for one specific group; they develop a culture in which they hear the cries of all the distressed, all the wounded, and respond with compassion." (p. 104)

In this chapter, the authors focus on how churches can become more empathetic to women, because of what has happened to women in so many churches. The points they make can be easily applied to other marginalized people they listed. "Women who seek to exercise their gifts in the church are sometimes perceived as a threat by narcissistic  pastors who are wrapped up in the power game and surrounded by sycophantic supporters who are determined to protect their male-centric culture." (p. 105)  I have seen this over and over again, and I am done with this kind of church. I'm done with the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC); I'm done with the Young, Restless, and Reformed type of pastor rampant in all kinds of churches today; I'm done with the silencing of women in churches. However, living in a somewhat rural county in Florida, it's been difficult to find a church that takes Scripture seriously while also affirming the place of women in the church.  I honestly believe the handful of verses being held as a weapon over the heads of women in churches are being misinterpreted.  I'm not trying to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.

Back to the book. The authors note that there is a theological debate about the role of women in the church that is "beyond the scope of this present work." (p. 106) I highly recommend McKnight's book The Blue Parakeet. A Church Called Tov is addressing the way people are treated in the church.  "A church called tov will empower women (and others) in the giftedness and encourage those gifts to flourish within the body of Christ and in the world...And if they bring allegations of abuse, they will be believed and comforted and supported--and the truth will be pursued and upheld...The tov church will not protect the institution at the expense of the individual. The tov church will not spin false narratives to hide what has happened and protect the abusers." (p. 106)

Finally in this chapter, the authors turn to the question of how to form a culture of tov that honors women and gives them a voice. They return to the ideas of a previous chapter on how a culture is formed. It begins with the narrative told by the leaders.  So, "A church that is committed to developing a culture of tov will know the names and stories of women in the Bible...[and] the names and stores of women in church history.... [and] the names and stories of women in their own local church history...nurtur[ing] women as agents of God's redemptive work in the world." (p. 107-108, 110)

We have been blessed to recently begin attending a church that "intentionally promotes the contributions of women on [their] webpage and on the platform during services."  However, last Sunday, less than two months after we committed to getting involved in the ministry of this church, the pastor announced that he is stepping down. Since it is an independent church, we have no idea how the culture will change. We hope and pray the culture that honors women will remain.  McKnight and Barringer write, "When a male-based culture is re-formed into a male-and-female based culture, it presents a truer picture of the character of God, who created all people as his image bearers. When the voices of women become customary, common expected, and accepted, the church becomes more inviting, more inclusive, more empathetic, more compassionate, safer, and more secure--for everyone. We pray for that day." (p. 111) So do I.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 5: "Creating a Goodness Culture"

After the last chapter listing the false narratives found in a church with a toxic culture, this chapter will delineate the major elements of a church with a culture of tov/goodness.  "Choosing a church is choosing a culture, and the culture we choose will form us into the people we become." (p. 84)

Tov, the Hebrew word for good/goodness, occurs more than 700 times in Scripture. "From the very first page of our Bibles, tov is the Bible's summary term, the "executive virtue," for how God wants us to live.

Some points about to:

• God alone is tov. It's connected to his name, it refers to his acts of salvation, he chases us with it, we can taste and see it. (p. 87-88)
• God's design is tov.  "iTov suggests what is visually pleasing and pleasant, what is desirable, what is of high quality, and what is excellent." That is God's design. For us, that means being people who love, which comes only through a "Spirit-soaked, Spirit-filled, and Spirit-directed live." p. 88
• Tov is active. Jesus went around doing good/tov (Acts 10:38) because he is tov.  The authors state that "the foremost expression of tov is generosity." (p. 90)
• Tov resists evil. "Over and over the Bible teaches us to pursue goodness and turn away from evil." (p. 92)

"Tov is a one-word summary of God's ultimate approval." (p. 93) From Genesis to Revelation, tov is all that matters. "The word gospel could be translated as 'the message of tov.' " (p. 94)

What every church needs to be a tov church is a model of tov, and that is Jesus. If the people in the church imitate Jesus, they can help create a culture of goodness. (p. 96) "We don't create tov churches in our own strength, by grit and determination or by clever programming. Tov churches are the work of God's Spirit set free to create tov..." (p. 96)

The next chapters will spell out seven key elements of a tov culture,

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 4: "False Narratives"

This chapter presents "eight false narratives that toxic churches often tell to protect themselves and their leaders." (p. 56)

1) Discredit the critics. "This can be accomplished by branding the truth tellers as liars or seeking to undermind their credibility by attacking their character...Character assassination seeks to get the congregation to question the truth of the accuser's story by casting doubt on the accuser." (p. 56-58)

2) Demonize the critics.  This involves "portraying the accusers as evildoers who are trying to harm the church and all its good work for Christ's Kingdom." (p. 58-59)

3) Spin the story. This "deceitful strategy [is] designed to hijack the accuser's narrative and create an alternative version--an intentionally false narrative that supports the pastor and the church while creating doubt about the allegations." (p. 59-62)

4) Gaslight the critics. I learned where this term comes from. "The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband tries to convince his wife she's going crazy--using various techniques such as dimming the gas lights in their apartment and denying that anything has changed--to cover up his criminal activity." (p. 62-65)

5) Make the perpetrator the victim. "Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for sin, pastors and church leaders may create false victimization narratives in which everything is reversed and the perpetratos of sexual violence become the victims." I've found this to be true for other kinds of pastoral misbehavior, not just sexual abuse. (p. 65- 70)  The authors reference Wade Mullen's article "Deciphering the Language of Harvest Bible Chapel" to discuss some common tactics that perpetrators use when trying to make themselves out to be the victims". These include bringing attention to the perpetrator's own pain and how "sad" they are in order to gain "compassion and support" normally reserved for victims, "referring to the 'opinions' of a 'few' 'disgruntled' 'former' members to establish the unfairness of it all 'by suggesting [the accusers] lacked credibility," polishing their own image "using phraes such as 'carefully expressed viewpoint', 'a happier and healthier church'...'we have chosen the high road' and 'grace-filled...attempts to reconcile',  "reframing the harm done to others as 'mistakes' that the church has now 'owned', appealing to their own "committment to biblical standards", and appealing to the need to protect the reputation of the church."

6) Silence the truth. Non-disclosure agreements and membership covenants create "the impression , to people who are not in the know, that nothing happened. The church preserves its public reputation, and its false narrative remains in tact. Narratives that silence people prevent the truth from becoming know, create confusion for people who sense something is wrong but can't put their finger on it, and sow discord between those who try to speak up and others who choose to believe the false narrative. Silenced truth is an unspoken lie." (p. 70) This confusion and discord is exactly what we saw happen in our last church. An example is given of The Village Church, darling of the reformed baptist crowd, who used a membership covenant to cover up the sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at one of their summer camps. NEVER sign this type of membership covenant. I have in the past, but I won't in the future. Many employees are forced to sign NDAs when they leave a church, rendering them "incapable of establishing justice by speaking truthfully about what they know or have seen or heard. Churches that push NDAs in exchange for a severance package are already in thick with a toxic culture." (p. 74)

7) Supress the truth. This variation of #6 may include "shaming, intimidtion, threatening spiritual or financial consequqnces, or destruction of evidence. (p. 74) The deletion of evidentiary emails by Bill Hybels at Willow Creek is only one of the examples given in this section. We were told by our former pastor that he didn't have the text messages that went between him and an elder because he had a new phone. "When the truth is suppressed and silence is maintained, abusers are able to move on and abuse and wound others." (p. 78)

8) Issue a fake apology. "Fake apologies are not issued out of confession or repentance...they condemn the victim, appease the audience, attach excuses, and try to justify inappropriate behavior." (p. 78-79) A thorough reading of examples of these types of fake apologies brought to mind different times I've seen them used by pastors and organizations. "Authentic apologies include surrender, confession, ownership, recognition, and empathy." (p. 80)

Next time, we'll move on to Part 2, "The Circle of Tov". 

 

 

    

   

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 3: "How Toxic Cultures Respond to Criticism"

"When an allegation arises against a pastor, a leader, or a volunteer within a church, what the pastor or leadership does first will reveal the culture of the church--whether it is toxic or tov. If the response is confession and repentance, or a commitment to finding the truth if all the facts are not yet known, that church probably has a healthy, tov culture. On the other hand, if the pastor's first instinct is denial, some form of story or narrative about 'what really happened,' or a defensive posture against 'those who would attack our church or ministry', there are toxic elements at work within the church's culture." (p. 41) The latter is exactly what we saw happen in our previous church.

The authors recommend Jim Van Yperen's seven-step process "for public communication about sexual sin in the church". Van Yperen is founder and president of Metanoia Ministries. (p. 44) The authors give many examples of churches who handled allegations correctly and those who did not.

I found the next section of this chapter very interesting. It is called "Spinning Matthew 18", and this is exactly what the pastor attempted to do to us.  "Another method that leaders in a toxic church culture sometimes use to control the narrative is to attack the way in which critical feedback or allegations of wrongdoing are brought to light." (p. 47) 

The authors write, "It's one thing to set this procedure in motion when someone has said something ugly about another person or has wrongly taken credit for something. But when a woman or a child who has been sexually abused is required to meet one-on-one with the perpetrator, it becomes morally inexcusable and psychologically violent to insist upon legalistically following Matthew 18. Such an approach becomes a cynical dodge and is almost always designed to protect the leader or the church." (p. 49)

The authors discuss other passages that are often misapplied in cases of sexual abuse. 1 Timothy 5:19 requires accusations to be brought with two or three witnesses--which almost never exist in sexual abuse and harassment cases. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 tells Christians with a dispute not to take it to court but to handle conflict resolution within the church. This is obviously not the case for criminal acts.

"The answer to how these verses should be applied in situations of abuse involves simple wisdom: The abused don't need to face their abuser--and certainly not one-on-one. And no church should ever demand two or three witnesses for abuse that happens in secret. It's unconscionable and profoundly unbiblical. Moreover, Scripture should never be used to deflect attention away from what happened to focus instead on how the allegations were brought to light." (p. 52)

The situation in our church did NOT involve sexual sin. However, I found this to be very true--"How a church responds to criticism, or handles information that could damage the reputation of a leader or the church, reveals the culture of that church...Compassion, truth, and wisdom should be our guiding lights. But when a culture is toxic, priorities change and truth telling often takes a back seat." (p. 52) 

Be assured, the truth will come out, and the church's culture will be shown to be toxic. "The word most often on the lips of Jesus for this was hypocrisy...Pastors, leaders, and congregants in a church with a tov culture are free to tell stories that are true. In a toxic church culture, pastors and leaders tell stories that are false, while the congregation either goes along with the deception or lives in blissful ignorance." (p. 52-53)  "                                               

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 2: Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Culture

 This chapter covers the two major "early warning signs of a toxic culture: narcissism and power through fear." (p. 25)

First, narcissism. The authors write, "For some reason, church leadership at times seems to attract unempathetic, selfish narcissists.... far too many churches have narcissists in leadership. And they are predominantly male."

There is a great discussion of what narcissism is. The authors contend that "we need a better understanding of the personality type because (sorry to say) narcissists are far too prevalent in our churches. We must develop the ability to spot them before they can do harm."

The Mayo Clinic definition: "Narcissistic personality disorder...is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (p. 27)

"Narcissists often gravitate toward enablers, who will pave their way to power--or at least not stand in the way... Some pastors nurture sycophants, and before long the elder board or deacon board is populated with apple-polishers who are malleable to the pastor's will and often unwilling to stand up to the pastor with solid--and necessary--biblical oversight." (p. 27) This pretty aptly describes the situation at the church we left.

"One of the most significant problems in churches today is the grasping for power of narcissistic pastors and leaders." (p. 28)

"For the narcissist, it's all about control. That's why narcissistic pastors, of churches large and small, tend to gravitate toward non-denominational churches or unaccountable church structures where they answer to no one. They prefer it that way." (p. 29)

Second, power through fear. "Perhaps the most common temptation for church leaders is to wield their assumed authority and position as weapons of lethal, wounding power. When a leader manifests the power hatchet, a culture is formed that adjusts to the blade of fear. Power and fear are close companions. Combine this with narcissism, and a toxic culture is sure to form." (p. 30-31)

"When other church leaders become complicit in a pastor's abuse of power, it casts a chilling shadow on the rest of the church and people become reluctant to speak up... Once a culture of fear forms within a church, there's almost no turning back." (p. 31)

The authors then go deeper into "the dynamics of a power-and-fear-based culture" because this type of church culture is on the rise and very difficult to uproot. They discuss recent research into the effects of power on the human brain which is frightening, to say the least. "Subjects under the influence of power acted as if they had suffered traumatic brain injury." (p. 32-33)

The chapter concludes with "eight indicators that anyone can use to evaluate their own church's culture":

1) Power and authority are vested in an individual. (p. 34) In the church we recently left, the pastor had the power to hire and fire other staff members and change their salaries with no input from the elder board.  Dangerous!

2) The pastor's approval becomes the gold standard. (p. 34)

3) Those approved by the power pastor gain 'status enhancement.' (p. 35)

4) Power cuts with both sides of the blade. (p. 36)

5) The power-shaping culture transitions into a fear-shaped culture. (p. 36)

6) Judgments and decisions are rendered behind a wall of secrecy. (p. 36) "In a power-through-fear culture, the powerful pastor and his close associates decide what information will be disseminated and what will be held back... People resign and leave with no explanation, often 'called to a new ministry,' and only the insiders know why. This form of secrecy induces fear in other staff members to stay in line. When someone leaves, he or she is encouraged to 'end well' which means 'don't talk.' Secrecy remains." (p. 37) This one really hit home with me because it describes exactly the "straw that broke the camel's back" when we left our church last fall.

7) Behind the wall of secrecy lurks a perpetual fear of status degradation. (p. 37)

8) Removal from the circle entirely. (p. 38) 

Final paragraph: "What can you do if you begin to recognize the warning signs of a toxic church culture? Do you speak up? How do you speak up? What happens if you speak up? We turn to that next." (p. 39)  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 1: "Every Church Is a Culture"

We are all immersed in a culture, probably more than one culture. If you're active in a church, your church has a culture. McKnight and Barrington see the culture as a circle that begins with the leaders of a church who "exercise a preliminary voice in telling the church's narrative, acting out the Christian life for others to see, teaching the Christian faith and how it is lived, and articulating policies." (p. 15) Then the congregation "embraces the culture but also begins to reshape the narrative, act out the Christian life to others to see, reteach the Christian faith, and rearticulate the policies." (p. 15) This circular interaction forms the culture of that church. "In a sense, everyone in the church is "complicit" in whatever culture is formed, good or bad." (p. 15)

A church's "habits form their personality." (p. 16) The authors list the types of feelings you get when visiting churches: 1) a rigorous military organization, 2) an art gallery, concert venue, stage production, or grand show, 3) a gathering to hear/adore the preacher with everything else being filling, or 4) a gathering centered around the Eucharist. (p. 18)

Laura told of a church she visited "whose culture might best be described as Celebrity Central... As the service progressed, I was struck by the number of times the congregation applauded the people on the stage... at least ten times." This is what was happening at the church we left last fall. In the six years we'd be there, no applause turned into applause after an upbeat song, then applause after every song, then applause after the sermon.  

Important: "We for church cultures, but we are simultaneously formed by the cultures we've helped to form." (p. 18)

The chapter ends with a section entitled "Jesus, Character and Culture", a summary of some of Jesus's teaching about character.  "Both flesh and spirit express the core of one's character." (p. 23)  

"Toxic, flesh-driven cultures breed a lust for power, success, celebrity, control through fear, an emphasis on authority, and demands for loyalty. These values may not be explicitly stated, or even outwardly recognized, but as they fester in the heart of a leader, they can't help but bear bitter fruit, damaging the culture of the church and seeking to destroy anyone who gets in the way." (p. 23)

"A Spirit-formed, Christlike culture, on the other hand, nurtures truth, offers healing for the wounded, seeks opportunities to show redemptive grade and love, focuses on serving others (rather than on being served), and looks for ways to establish justice in the daily paths of life. A Christlike church culture always has its eyes on people because the mission of the church is all about God's redemptive love for people." (p. 23)

I have seen way too many toxic cultures and way too few Christlike cultures in churches over the past 23 years. Stay tuned for the coming chapters on the dangers of church cultures that have become toxic as well as the habits of churches that form a culture of goodness/tov.

A Church Called Tov  - Introduction

Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barringer wrote this book after the unraveling at Willow Creek, a megachurch near them which they had been part of in the past. While the Willow Creek story unfolded, Harvest Bible Chapel, another megachurch in the Chicago area, dismissed its founding pastor, charging him with decades of "insulting, belittling, and verbally bullying others...improperly exercising positional and spiritual authority over others to his own advantage... [and] extravagant spending utilizing church resources resulting in personal benefit" as part of "a substantial pattern of sinful behavior." (p. 4)  

Their thesis: "In the absence of a culture that resists abuse and promotes healing, safety, and spiritual growth, the heartbreaking truth is that churches of all shapes and sizes are susceptible to abuses of power, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse." (p. 5) 

This is where I come in. "The tragedy of these and far too many other stories is that, instead of focusing on the wounded, the victims, and the survivors of abuse, these organizations focused on themselves, on their leadership, on their own self-interest. They protected the guilty, hid from accountability, and silenced the wounded." (p. 5)

For the past 23 years, we've been part of non-denominational churches started by pastors who wanted to be in charge, who couldn't get along with the denominational set-up in their churches (the committees, the deacons, etc.) Some of these churches had no accountability board at all. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor and "voted" on by the church. Though there may have been a few "no" votes, in general people didn't know enough or care enough to ever reject an elder candidate. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor with the congregation given the opportunity to inform the pastor if they knew any reason the person shouldn't be an elder. To my knowledge, that never happened. In all but one of these churches, the congregation never saw or voted on a budget.  And it wasn't long before the cracks appeared in the kingdoms these pastors had built. In our last church, we dared to speak up, and that was the end of us.

Tov is the Hebrew word for good. And this book is going to suggest "what it takes to form a culture of goodness in our churches that will resist abuses of power, promote healing, and eradicate the toxic fallout that infects so many Christian organizations." (p. 8)

Here's goes nothing!

I haven't posted on this blog in over five years.  I was using it mainly to post stuff we were doing as a family, and it just seemed silly since I would also post on Facebook and was scrapbooking. 

However, I've recently been wanting to write out my thoughts about books I was reading or what was going on in the news and/or culture, and Facebook doesn't seem like a good place to do that. First of all, their algorithms filter so much of what I see there, and there are so many ads. Secondly, Facebook just seems to be a firestorm of nastiness much of the time.

So, I decided to resurrect this blog with no pressure to post pictures or even have anybody read or comment on it. I'm just going to put stuff here that I want to think about or that I want to able to find again in the future.

So, I'm going to start with some posts about a book I started reading a week or so ago called A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barrington.  I've been looking forward to reading this book since hearing them talk about it several times.

Before I post anything about the book, I'm going to copy and paste here a post I put on Facebook in September, mostly so that I can remember my thoughts and feelings about attending a new church.

This past Sunday we visited a new church. We had done our research, and the church's website ticked a lot of boxes for us (weekly communion, emphasis on discipleship and community, etc.). I loved everything about the service. I was close to weeping when the time was taken to pray for the specific needs of the people. There was no clapping after the sermon as if it were a performance.

HOWEVER, the only people who ever said a single word to us were the greeters at the door who said good morning. I am still trying to process this. I am trying to make allowances for COVID and how it has changed things, but this is just not acceptable. Members and regular attenders need to invest more than just a hello. People must be willing to have conversations with new people.

To be honest, we never would have stayed at our last church for this exact same reason if it wasn't for one couple (no longer even at that church) who learned our names the first week and remembered them, who called us by name, and said more than a word or two to us every week. Even that wasn't doing it for us until that same couple found a place for us to serve 14 months after we started attending there. In my opinion, it should NEVER take that long to feel like your church is your family. It shouldn't matter whether or not you knew a single person at that church before you started attending. The body of Christ/church is supposed to be a family.

After we became settled, we tried every week to talk at length with people we didn't know, people who were sitting alone with no one talking to them. And this wasn't just to their benefit, but also to ours. We met a lot of wonderful people and learned interesting things about them.

Pastors, church leaders, etc., some of you need to do a better job of modeling this and training your people to do it as well. And if you've experienced this same thing in a church, be willing to get out of your comfort zone so that no one else ever has to experience this again.