A Church Called Tov - Chapter 5: "Creating a Goodness Culture"

After the last chapter listing the false narratives found in a church with a toxic culture, this chapter will delineate the major elements of a church with a culture of tov/goodness.  "Choosing a church is choosing a culture, and the culture we choose will form us into the people we become." (p. 84)

Tov, the Hebrew word for good/goodness, occurs more than 700 times in Scripture. "From the very first page of our Bibles, tov is the Bible's summary term, the "executive virtue," for how God wants us to live.

Some points about to:

• God alone is tov. It's connected to his name, it refers to his acts of salvation, he chases us with it, we can taste and see it. (p. 87-88)
• God's design is tov.  "iTov suggests what is visually pleasing and pleasant, what is desirable, what is of high quality, and what is excellent." That is God's design. For us, that means being people who love, which comes only through a "Spirit-soaked, Spirit-filled, and Spirit-directed live." p. 88
• Tov is active. Jesus went around doing good/tov (Acts 10:38) because he is tov.  The authors state that "the foremost expression of tov is generosity." (p. 90)
• Tov resists evil. "Over and over the Bible teaches us to pursue goodness and turn away from evil." (p. 92)

"Tov is a one-word summary of God's ultimate approval." (p. 93) From Genesis to Revelation, tov is all that matters. "The word gospel could be translated as 'the message of tov.' " (p. 94)

What every church needs to be a tov church is a model of tov, and that is Jesus. If the people in the church imitate Jesus, they can help create a culture of goodness. (p. 96) "We don't create tov churches in our own strength, by grit and determination or by clever programming. Tov churches are the work of God's Spirit set free to create tov..." (p. 96)

The next chapters will spell out seven key elements of a tov culture,

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 4: "False Narratives"

This chapter presents "eight false narratives that toxic churches often tell to protect themselves and their leaders." (p. 56)

1) Discredit the critics. "This can be accomplished by branding the truth tellers as liars or seeking to undermind their credibility by attacking their character...Character assassination seeks to get the congregation to question the truth of the accuser's story by casting doubt on the accuser." (p. 56-58)

2) Demonize the critics.  This involves "portraying the accusers as evildoers who are trying to harm the church and all its good work for Christ's Kingdom." (p. 58-59)

3) Spin the story. This "deceitful strategy [is] designed to hijack the accuser's narrative and create an alternative version--an intentionally false narrative that supports the pastor and the church while creating doubt about the allegations." (p. 59-62)

4) Gaslight the critics. I learned where this term comes from. "The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband tries to convince his wife she's going crazy--using various techniques such as dimming the gas lights in their apartment and denying that anything has changed--to cover up his criminal activity." (p. 62-65)

5) Make the perpetrator the victim. "Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for sin, pastors and church leaders may create false victimization narratives in which everything is reversed and the perpetratos of sexual violence become the victims." I've found this to be true for other kinds of pastoral misbehavior, not just sexual abuse. (p. 65- 70)  The authors reference Wade Mullen's article "Deciphering the Language of Harvest Bible Chapel" to discuss some common tactics that perpetrators use when trying to make themselves out to be the victims". These include bringing attention to the perpetrator's own pain and how "sad" they are in order to gain "compassion and support" normally reserved for victims, "referring to the 'opinions' of a 'few' 'disgruntled' 'former' members to establish the unfairness of it all 'by suggesting [the accusers] lacked credibility," polishing their own image "using phraes such as 'carefully expressed viewpoint', 'a happier and healthier church'...'we have chosen the high road' and 'grace-filled...attempts to reconcile',  "reframing the harm done to others as 'mistakes' that the church has now 'owned', appealing to their own "committment to biblical standards", and appealing to the need to protect the reputation of the church."

6) Silence the truth. Non-disclosure agreements and membership covenants create "the impression , to people who are not in the know, that nothing happened. The church preserves its public reputation, and its false narrative remains in tact. Narratives that silence people prevent the truth from becoming know, create confusion for people who sense something is wrong but can't put their finger on it, and sow discord between those who try to speak up and others who choose to believe the false narrative. Silenced truth is an unspoken lie." (p. 70) This confusion and discord is exactly what we saw happen in our last church. An example is given of The Village Church, darling of the reformed baptist crowd, who used a membership covenant to cover up the sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at one of their summer camps. NEVER sign this type of membership covenant. I have in the past, but I won't in the future. Many employees are forced to sign NDAs when they leave a church, rendering them "incapable of establishing justice by speaking truthfully about what they know or have seen or heard. Churches that push NDAs in exchange for a severance package are already in thick with a toxic culture." (p. 74)

7) Supress the truth. This variation of #6 may include "shaming, intimidtion, threatening spiritual or financial consequqnces, or destruction of evidence. (p. 74) The deletion of evidentiary emails by Bill Hybels at Willow Creek is only one of the examples given in this section. We were told by our former pastor that he didn't have the text messages that went between him and an elder because he had a new phone. "When the truth is suppressed and silence is maintained, abusers are able to move on and abuse and wound others." (p. 78)

8) Issue a fake apology. "Fake apologies are not issued out of confession or repentance...they condemn the victim, appease the audience, attach excuses, and try to justify inappropriate behavior." (p. 78-79) A thorough reading of examples of these types of fake apologies brought to mind different times I've seen them used by pastors and organizations. "Authentic apologies include surrender, confession, ownership, recognition, and empathy." (p. 80)

Next time, we'll move on to Part 2, "The Circle of Tov". 

 

 

    

   

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 3: "How Toxic Cultures Respond to Criticism"

"When an allegation arises against a pastor, a leader, or a volunteer within a church, what the pastor or leadership does first will reveal the culture of the church--whether it is toxic or tov. If the response is confession and repentance, or a commitment to finding the truth if all the facts are not yet known, that church probably has a healthy, tov culture. On the other hand, if the pastor's first instinct is denial, some form of story or narrative about 'what really happened,' or a defensive posture against 'those who would attack our church or ministry', there are toxic elements at work within the church's culture." (p. 41) The latter is exactly what we saw happen in our previous church.

The authors recommend Jim Van Yperen's seven-step process "for public communication about sexual sin in the church". Van Yperen is founder and president of Metanoia Ministries. (p. 44) The authors give many examples of churches who handled allegations correctly and those who did not.

I found the next section of this chapter very interesting. It is called "Spinning Matthew 18", and this is exactly what the pastor attempted to do to us.  "Another method that leaders in a toxic church culture sometimes use to control the narrative is to attack the way in which critical feedback or allegations of wrongdoing are brought to light." (p. 47) 

The authors write, "It's one thing to set this procedure in motion when someone has said something ugly about another person or has wrongly taken credit for something. But when a woman or a child who has been sexually abused is required to meet one-on-one with the perpetrator, it becomes morally inexcusable and psychologically violent to insist upon legalistically following Matthew 18. Such an approach becomes a cynical dodge and is almost always designed to protect the leader or the church." (p. 49)

The authors discuss other passages that are often misapplied in cases of sexual abuse. 1 Timothy 5:19 requires accusations to be brought with two or three witnesses--which almost never exist in sexual abuse and harassment cases. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 tells Christians with a dispute not to take it to court but to handle conflict resolution within the church. This is obviously not the case for criminal acts.

"The answer to how these verses should be applied in situations of abuse involves simple wisdom: The abused don't need to face their abuser--and certainly not one-on-one. And no church should ever demand two or three witnesses for abuse that happens in secret. It's unconscionable and profoundly unbiblical. Moreover, Scripture should never be used to deflect attention away from what happened to focus instead on how the allegations were brought to light." (p. 52)

The situation in our church did NOT involve sexual sin. However, I found this to be very true--"How a church responds to criticism, or handles information that could damage the reputation of a leader or the church, reveals the culture of that church...Compassion, truth, and wisdom should be our guiding lights. But when a culture is toxic, priorities change and truth telling often takes a back seat." (p. 52) 

Be assured, the truth will come out, and the church's culture will be shown to be toxic. "The word most often on the lips of Jesus for this was hypocrisy...Pastors, leaders, and congregants in a church with a tov culture are free to tell stories that are true. In a toxic church culture, pastors and leaders tell stories that are false, while the congregation either goes along with the deception or lives in blissful ignorance." (p. 52-53)  "                                               

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 2: Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Culture

 This chapter covers the two major "early warning signs of a toxic culture: narcissism and power through fear." (p. 25)

First, narcissism. The authors write, "For some reason, church leadership at times seems to attract unempathetic, selfish narcissists.... far too many churches have narcissists in leadership. And they are predominantly male."

There is a great discussion of what narcissism is. The authors contend that "we need a better understanding of the personality type because (sorry to say) narcissists are far too prevalent in our churches. We must develop the ability to spot them before they can do harm."

The Mayo Clinic definition: "Narcissistic personality disorder...is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (p. 27)

"Narcissists often gravitate toward enablers, who will pave their way to power--or at least not stand in the way... Some pastors nurture sycophants, and before long the elder board or deacon board is populated with apple-polishers who are malleable to the pastor's will and often unwilling to stand up to the pastor with solid--and necessary--biblical oversight." (p. 27) This pretty aptly describes the situation at the church we left.

"One of the most significant problems in churches today is the grasping for power of narcissistic pastors and leaders." (p. 28)

"For the narcissist, it's all about control. That's why narcissistic pastors, of churches large and small, tend to gravitate toward non-denominational churches or unaccountable church structures where they answer to no one. They prefer it that way." (p. 29)

Second, power through fear. "Perhaps the most common temptation for church leaders is to wield their assumed authority and position as weapons of lethal, wounding power. When a leader manifests the power hatchet, a culture is formed that adjusts to the blade of fear. Power and fear are close companions. Combine this with narcissism, and a toxic culture is sure to form." (p. 30-31)

"When other church leaders become complicit in a pastor's abuse of power, it casts a chilling shadow on the rest of the church and people become reluctant to speak up... Once a culture of fear forms within a church, there's almost no turning back." (p. 31)

The authors then go deeper into "the dynamics of a power-and-fear-based culture" because this type of church culture is on the rise and very difficult to uproot. They discuss recent research into the effects of power on the human brain which is frightening, to say the least. "Subjects under the influence of power acted as if they had suffered traumatic brain injury." (p. 32-33)

The chapter concludes with "eight indicators that anyone can use to evaluate their own church's culture":

1) Power and authority are vested in an individual. (p. 34) In the church we recently left, the pastor had the power to hire and fire other staff members and change their salaries with no input from the elder board.  Dangerous!

2) The pastor's approval becomes the gold standard. (p. 34)

3) Those approved by the power pastor gain 'status enhancement.' (p. 35)

4) Power cuts with both sides of the blade. (p. 36)

5) The power-shaping culture transitions into a fear-shaped culture. (p. 36)

6) Judgments and decisions are rendered behind a wall of secrecy. (p. 36) "In a power-through-fear culture, the powerful pastor and his close associates decide what information will be disseminated and what will be held back... People resign and leave with no explanation, often 'called to a new ministry,' and only the insiders know why. This form of secrecy induces fear in other staff members to stay in line. When someone leaves, he or she is encouraged to 'end well' which means 'don't talk.' Secrecy remains." (p. 37) This one really hit home with me because it describes exactly the "straw that broke the camel's back" when we left our church last fall.

7) Behind the wall of secrecy lurks a perpetual fear of status degradation. (p. 37)

8) Removal from the circle entirely. (p. 38) 

Final paragraph: "What can you do if you begin to recognize the warning signs of a toxic church culture? Do you speak up? How do you speak up? What happens if you speak up? We turn to that next." (p. 39)  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 1: "Every Church Is a Culture"

We are all immersed in a culture, probably more than one culture. If you're active in a church, your church has a culture. McKnight and Barrington see the culture as a circle that begins with the leaders of a church who "exercise a preliminary voice in telling the church's narrative, acting out the Christian life for others to see, teaching the Christian faith and how it is lived, and articulating policies." (p. 15) Then the congregation "embraces the culture but also begins to reshape the narrative, act out the Christian life to others to see, reteach the Christian faith, and rearticulate the policies." (p. 15) This circular interaction forms the culture of that church. "In a sense, everyone in the church is "complicit" in whatever culture is formed, good or bad." (p. 15)

A church's "habits form their personality." (p. 16) The authors list the types of feelings you get when visiting churches: 1) a rigorous military organization, 2) an art gallery, concert venue, stage production, or grand show, 3) a gathering to hear/adore the preacher with everything else being filling, or 4) a gathering centered around the Eucharist. (p. 18)

Laura told of a church she visited "whose culture might best be described as Celebrity Central... As the service progressed, I was struck by the number of times the congregation applauded the people on the stage... at least ten times." This is what was happening at the church we left last fall. In the six years we'd be there, no applause turned into applause after an upbeat song, then applause after every song, then applause after the sermon.  

Important: "We for church cultures, but we are simultaneously formed by the cultures we've helped to form." (p. 18)

The chapter ends with a section entitled "Jesus, Character and Culture", a summary of some of Jesus's teaching about character.  "Both flesh and spirit express the core of one's character." (p. 23)  

"Toxic, flesh-driven cultures breed a lust for power, success, celebrity, control through fear, an emphasis on authority, and demands for loyalty. These values may not be explicitly stated, or even outwardly recognized, but as they fester in the heart of a leader, they can't help but bear bitter fruit, damaging the culture of the church and seeking to destroy anyone who gets in the way." (p. 23)

"A Spirit-formed, Christlike culture, on the other hand, nurtures truth, offers healing for the wounded, seeks opportunities to show redemptive grade and love, focuses on serving others (rather than on being served), and looks for ways to establish justice in the daily paths of life. A Christlike church culture always has its eyes on people because the mission of the church is all about God's redemptive love for people." (p. 23)

I have seen way too many toxic cultures and way too few Christlike cultures in churches over the past 23 years. Stay tuned for the coming chapters on the dangers of church cultures that have become toxic as well as the habits of churches that form a culture of goodness/tov.

A Church Called Tov  - Introduction

Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barringer wrote this book after the unraveling at Willow Creek, a megachurch near them which they had been part of in the past. While the Willow Creek story unfolded, Harvest Bible Chapel, another megachurch in the Chicago area, dismissed its founding pastor, charging him with decades of "insulting, belittling, and verbally bullying others...improperly exercising positional and spiritual authority over others to his own advantage... [and] extravagant spending utilizing church resources resulting in personal benefit" as part of "a substantial pattern of sinful behavior." (p. 4)  

Their thesis: "In the absence of a culture that resists abuse and promotes healing, safety, and spiritual growth, the heartbreaking truth is that churches of all shapes and sizes are susceptible to abuses of power, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse." (p. 5) 

This is where I come in. "The tragedy of these and far too many other stories is that, instead of focusing on the wounded, the victims, and the survivors of abuse, these organizations focused on themselves, on their leadership, on their own self-interest. They protected the guilty, hid from accountability, and silenced the wounded." (p. 5)

For the past 23 years, we've been part of non-denominational churches started by pastors who wanted to be in charge, who couldn't get along with the denominational set-up in their churches (the committees, the deacons, etc.) Some of these churches had no accountability board at all. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor and "voted" on by the church. Though there may have been a few "no" votes, in general people didn't know enough or care enough to ever reject an elder candidate. One had an elder board with elders chosen by the pastor with the congregation given the opportunity to inform the pastor if they knew any reason the person shouldn't be an elder. To my knowledge, that never happened. In all but one of these churches, the congregation never saw or voted on a budget.  And it wasn't long before the cracks appeared in the kingdoms these pastors had built. In our last church, we dared to speak up, and that was the end of us.

Tov is the Hebrew word for good. And this book is going to suggest "what it takes to form a culture of goodness in our churches that will resist abuses of power, promote healing, and eradicate the toxic fallout that infects so many Christian organizations." (p. 8)

Here's goes nothing!

I haven't posted on this blog in over five years.  I was using it mainly to post stuff we were doing as a family, and it just seemed silly since I would also post on Facebook and was scrapbooking. 

However, I've recently been wanting to write out my thoughts about books I was reading or what was going on in the news and/or culture, and Facebook doesn't seem like a good place to do that. First of all, their algorithms filter so much of what I see there, and there are so many ads. Secondly, Facebook just seems to be a firestorm of nastiness much of the time.

So, I decided to resurrect this blog with no pressure to post pictures or even have anybody read or comment on it. I'm just going to put stuff here that I want to think about or that I want to able to find again in the future.

So, I'm going to start with some posts about a book I started reading a week or so ago called A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight and his daughter Laura Barrington.  I've been looking forward to reading this book since hearing them talk about it several times.

Before I post anything about the book, I'm going to copy and paste here a post I put on Facebook in September, mostly so that I can remember my thoughts and feelings about attending a new church.

This past Sunday we visited a new church. We had done our research, and the church's website ticked a lot of boxes for us (weekly communion, emphasis on discipleship and community, etc.). I loved everything about the service. I was close to weeping when the time was taken to pray for the specific needs of the people. There was no clapping after the sermon as if it were a performance.

HOWEVER, the only people who ever said a single word to us were the greeters at the door who said good morning. I am still trying to process this. I am trying to make allowances for COVID and how it has changed things, but this is just not acceptable. Members and regular attenders need to invest more than just a hello. People must be willing to have conversations with new people.

To be honest, we never would have stayed at our last church for this exact same reason if it wasn't for one couple (no longer even at that church) who learned our names the first week and remembered them, who called us by name, and said more than a word or two to us every week. Even that wasn't doing it for us until that same couple found a place for us to serve 14 months after we started attending there. In my opinion, it should NEVER take that long to feel like your church is your family. It shouldn't matter whether or not you knew a single person at that church before you started attending. The body of Christ/church is supposed to be a family.

After we became settled, we tried every week to talk at length with people we didn't know, people who were sitting alone with no one talking to them. And this wasn't just to their benefit, but also to ours. We met a lot of wonderful people and learned interesting things about them.

Pastors, church leaders, etc., some of you need to do a better job of modeling this and training your people to do it as well. And if you've experienced this same thing in a church, be willing to get out of your comfort zone so that no one else ever has to experience this again.