A Church Called Tov - Chapter 8: "Tov Churches Nurture a People-First Culture"

As a church grows, there is a tendency to put the institution ahead of the people. I've seen this happen time and time again. If a church has the values of empathy, compassion, and grace, these values can become the basis for a people-first culture. The authors tell the story of Fred Rogers as an example.  Maxwell King, in his biography The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers, said, "Fred Rogers never--ever--let the urgency of work or life impede his focus on what he saw as basic human values: integrity, respect, responsibility, fairness and compassion, and...kindness." (p. 122)

The authors discuss the work of Mitch Randall, an ordained Southern Baptist pastor and the executive director of EthicsDaily.com who created a definition of theological malpractice. He believes that beliefs that placed the institution of the church over the humanity of victims are a perversion of the gospel. (p. 125) The authors summarize this term as follows:

1. It perverts the gospel of tov.
2. It begins in male-centeredness and fosters anti-female attitudes.
3. It protects the institution at the expense of the people.
4. It protects the leaders of the institution.
5. It violates human rights.
6. It damages people. (p. 125)

So, what to do? The authors suggest five essential practices.

1. Treat people as people. "People with names and histories and stories. People who are doing well and people who are not. People who are recovering from church abuse. People who've had surgeries and sicknesses. People who are aging. People who are rich and poor and everything in between. People who are wounded and in need of healing, people who are unemployed and underemployed, people who need encouragement or tangible assistance." (p. 127) A couple of years ago, I had surgery and spent a night in the hospital. I had offers of assistance from one person, a close friend. No one else even bothered to check in. There is something wrong with that!
2. Enfold others into the community. This practice is actually #1 going deeper. It's about including one another into the life of the others in the church inside and outside the building. It takes time to develop deep relationships.  "Billi Milliken, founder of Communities in Schools,...said, 'I've been working in this field for fifty years...and I've never seen a program turn around a life. Only relationships turn around lives.'" (p. 128) I believe deep in my soul that this must be modeled and practiced by the pastor and church staff.  If they don't get involved in the lives of the congregation beyond their current friend group, what motivation will others in the church have to do it?  
3. Recognize all people as made in the image of God. "Recognizing all people as made in the image of God means always seeing their potential, not just their present sinful condition." (p. 130)
4. Treat people as siblings. What does that look like? "Siblings care about one another...look out for one another...protect one another...believe one another...trust one another...see the good and the bad and love each other anyway." (p. 131)
5. Develop Jesus-like eyes for people. Jesus saw beyond out appearances. He looked at people with compassion, and he acted on that compassion. (p. 131-132) "The apostle Paul had a similar heart for people--though many people today get him wrong on this one." (p. 132) The authors reference 2 Corinthians 2:12-13 to prove their point. Look it up! Paul loved Titus so much that he left his planned route to go find Titus. They also mention Paul's great love for the church in Colossae references in Colossians 1:28-2:2. (p. 133)

"The Bible's vision of tov is all about people in relationship with others...A people-first culture instinctively treats people as image bearers and as siblings...Relationships in the Circle of Tovare shaped by one of the Bible's most beautiful words: truth." (p. 133-134)

And that is where the next chapter is headed.  I can't wait.  The lack of a truth culture was a HUGE issue in our previous church. Secrecy, cover-ups, lack of transparency...all of these were present there. 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 7: "Tov Churches Nurture Grace"

"Pastors shaped by goodness are grace dispensers, agents of God called to help, be with, and offer grace to those whom they are called to serve." (p 113) I saw a huge dichotomy between the pastor of our former church and our son's pastor. Our pastor didn't want to do weddings, funerals, or hospital visits. He didn't want to interact with his congregation other than the members of his small group--the chosen ones. Our son's pastor saw his job as visiting regularly in the homes of his people. He was devastated when COVID-19 made that more difficult. 

The authors then delineate seven features of a grace-filled church revolving around the definition of grace as a gift. "The entirety of the Christian life is a response to the gift of grace our tov God has given us." (p. 117) As church members recognize and receive God's gift of grace, "we become a gift-based family of grace givers and receivers...The gift of grace does not establish a hierarchy of power relationships, in which some people are deemed superior to others." (p. 117)

It is important to note that we aren't capable of being grace-filled on our own. The Holy Spirit transforms church members from "enemies and strangers into friends and family." (p. 117)  We need the Holy Spirit to "transform us into a flourishing family filled with people-first people and givers of grace." (p. 117)  I love that description--people-first people. The people have to be more important than any program or pastor or employee handbook, etc...

In the last section of this chapter, McKnight and Barringer briefly spell out requirements for a grace-shaped church culture (p. 119-120). 

• trust - "the invisible glue that binds people together"
• reciprocity - "we must give in order to get"
• freedom - "A fear-based culture stifles freedom through legalism, authoritarianism, status, and approval-based relationships."
• space/room - "room to learn and make mistakes" 

In the next chapter, we'll dive into the goodness found in a people-first church culture.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 6: "Tov Churches Nurture Empathy"

Empathy is a word that describes Jesus to the core, and "compassion is the outworking of empathy." (p. 100) "Any church that claims connection to Jesus, and any church that wants to follow Jesus, absolutely must have a heart for the wounded and the marginalized. Sadly many churches lack empathy and therefore lack compassion." (p. 103) The authors then list examples of people who often face a lack of empathy and compassion in churches, then state, "Churches that follow Jesus don't' simply take up a cause for one specific group; they develop a culture in which they hear the cries of all the distressed, all the wounded, and respond with compassion." (p. 104)

In this chapter, the authors focus on how churches can become more empathetic to women, because of what has happened to women in so many churches. The points they make can be easily applied to other marginalized people they listed. "Women who seek to exercise their gifts in the church are sometimes perceived as a threat by narcissistic  pastors who are wrapped up in the power game and surrounded by sycophantic supporters who are determined to protect their male-centric culture." (p. 105)  I have seen this over and over again, and I am done with this kind of church. I'm done with the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC); I'm done with the Young, Restless, and Reformed type of pastor rampant in all kinds of churches today; I'm done with the silencing of women in churches. However, living in a somewhat rural county in Florida, it's been difficult to find a church that takes Scripture seriously while also affirming the place of women in the church.  I honestly believe the handful of verses being held as a weapon over the heads of women in churches are being misinterpreted.  I'm not trying to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.

Back to the book. The authors note that there is a theological debate about the role of women in the church that is "beyond the scope of this present work." (p. 106) I highly recommend McKnight's book The Blue Parakeet. A Church Called Tov is addressing the way people are treated in the church.  "A church called tov will empower women (and others) in the giftedness and encourage those gifts to flourish within the body of Christ and in the world...And if they bring allegations of abuse, they will be believed and comforted and supported--and the truth will be pursued and upheld...The tov church will not protect the institution at the expense of the individual. The tov church will not spin false narratives to hide what has happened and protect the abusers." (p. 106)

Finally in this chapter, the authors turn to the question of how to form a culture of tov that honors women and gives them a voice. They return to the ideas of a previous chapter on how a culture is formed. It begins with the narrative told by the leaders.  So, "A church that is committed to developing a culture of tov will know the names and stories of women in the Bible...[and] the names and stores of women in church history.... [and] the names and stories of women in their own local church history...nurtur[ing] women as agents of God's redemptive work in the world." (p. 107-108, 110)

We have been blessed to recently begin attending a church that "intentionally promotes the contributions of women on [their] webpage and on the platform during services."  However, last Sunday, less than two months after we committed to getting involved in the ministry of this church, the pastor announced that he is stepping down. Since it is an independent church, we have no idea how the culture will change. We hope and pray the culture that honors women will remain.  McKnight and Barringer write, "When a male-based culture is re-formed into a male-and-female based culture, it presents a truer picture of the character of God, who created all people as his image bearers. When the voices of women become customary, common expected, and accepted, the church becomes more inviting, more inclusive, more empathetic, more compassionate, safer, and more secure--for everyone. We pray for that day." (p. 111) So do I.

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 5: "Creating a Goodness Culture"

After the last chapter listing the false narratives found in a church with a toxic culture, this chapter will delineate the major elements of a church with a culture of tov/goodness.  "Choosing a church is choosing a culture, and the culture we choose will form us into the people we become." (p. 84)

Tov, the Hebrew word for good/goodness, occurs more than 700 times in Scripture. "From the very first page of our Bibles, tov is the Bible's summary term, the "executive virtue," for how God wants us to live.

Some points about to:

• God alone is tov. It's connected to his name, it refers to his acts of salvation, he chases us with it, we can taste and see it. (p. 87-88)
• God's design is tov.  "iTov suggests what is visually pleasing and pleasant, what is desirable, what is of high quality, and what is excellent." That is God's design. For us, that means being people who love, which comes only through a "Spirit-soaked, Spirit-filled, and Spirit-directed live." p. 88
• Tov is active. Jesus went around doing good/tov (Acts 10:38) because he is tov.  The authors state that "the foremost expression of tov is generosity." (p. 90)
• Tov resists evil. "Over and over the Bible teaches us to pursue goodness and turn away from evil." (p. 92)

"Tov is a one-word summary of God's ultimate approval." (p. 93) From Genesis to Revelation, tov is all that matters. "The word gospel could be translated as 'the message of tov.' " (p. 94)

What every church needs to be a tov church is a model of tov, and that is Jesus. If the people in the church imitate Jesus, they can help create a culture of goodness. (p. 96) "We don't create tov churches in our own strength, by grit and determination or by clever programming. Tov churches are the work of God's Spirit set free to create tov..." (p. 96)

The next chapters will spell out seven key elements of a tov culture,

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 4: "False Narratives"

This chapter presents "eight false narratives that toxic churches often tell to protect themselves and their leaders." (p. 56)

1) Discredit the critics. "This can be accomplished by branding the truth tellers as liars or seeking to undermind their credibility by attacking their character...Character assassination seeks to get the congregation to question the truth of the accuser's story by casting doubt on the accuser." (p. 56-58)

2) Demonize the critics.  This involves "portraying the accusers as evildoers who are trying to harm the church and all its good work for Christ's Kingdom." (p. 58-59)

3) Spin the story. This "deceitful strategy [is] designed to hijack the accuser's narrative and create an alternative version--an intentionally false narrative that supports the pastor and the church while creating doubt about the allegations." (p. 59-62)

4) Gaslight the critics. I learned where this term comes from. "The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband tries to convince his wife she's going crazy--using various techniques such as dimming the gas lights in their apartment and denying that anything has changed--to cover up his criminal activity." (p. 62-65)

5) Make the perpetrator the victim. "Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for sin, pastors and church leaders may create false victimization narratives in which everything is reversed and the perpetratos of sexual violence become the victims." I've found this to be true for other kinds of pastoral misbehavior, not just sexual abuse. (p. 65- 70)  The authors reference Wade Mullen's article "Deciphering the Language of Harvest Bible Chapel" to discuss some common tactics that perpetrators use when trying to make themselves out to be the victims". These include bringing attention to the perpetrator's own pain and how "sad" they are in order to gain "compassion and support" normally reserved for victims, "referring to the 'opinions' of a 'few' 'disgruntled' 'former' members to establish the unfairness of it all 'by suggesting [the accusers] lacked credibility," polishing their own image "using phraes such as 'carefully expressed viewpoint', 'a happier and healthier church'...'we have chosen the high road' and 'grace-filled...attempts to reconcile',  "reframing the harm done to others as 'mistakes' that the church has now 'owned', appealing to their own "committment to biblical standards", and appealing to the need to protect the reputation of the church."

6) Silence the truth. Non-disclosure agreements and membership covenants create "the impression , to people who are not in the know, that nothing happened. The church preserves its public reputation, and its false narrative remains in tact. Narratives that silence people prevent the truth from becoming know, create confusion for people who sense something is wrong but can't put their finger on it, and sow discord between those who try to speak up and others who choose to believe the false narrative. Silenced truth is an unspoken lie." (p. 70) This confusion and discord is exactly what we saw happen in our last church. An example is given of The Village Church, darling of the reformed baptist crowd, who used a membership covenant to cover up the sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at one of their summer camps. NEVER sign this type of membership covenant. I have in the past, but I won't in the future. Many employees are forced to sign NDAs when they leave a church, rendering them "incapable of establishing justice by speaking truthfully about what they know or have seen or heard. Churches that push NDAs in exchange for a severance package are already in thick with a toxic culture." (p. 74)

7) Supress the truth. This variation of #6 may include "shaming, intimidtion, threatening spiritual or financial consequqnces, or destruction of evidence. (p. 74) The deletion of evidentiary emails by Bill Hybels at Willow Creek is only one of the examples given in this section. We were told by our former pastor that he didn't have the text messages that went between him and an elder because he had a new phone. "When the truth is suppressed and silence is maintained, abusers are able to move on and abuse and wound others." (p. 78)

8) Issue a fake apology. "Fake apologies are not issued out of confession or repentance...they condemn the victim, appease the audience, attach excuses, and try to justify inappropriate behavior." (p. 78-79) A thorough reading of examples of these types of fake apologies brought to mind different times I've seen them used by pastors and organizations. "Authentic apologies include surrender, confession, ownership, recognition, and empathy." (p. 80)

Next time, we'll move on to Part 2, "The Circle of Tov". 

 

 

    

   

 

 

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 3: "How Toxic Cultures Respond to Criticism"

"When an allegation arises against a pastor, a leader, or a volunteer within a church, what the pastor or leadership does first will reveal the culture of the church--whether it is toxic or tov. If the response is confession and repentance, or a commitment to finding the truth if all the facts are not yet known, that church probably has a healthy, tov culture. On the other hand, if the pastor's first instinct is denial, some form of story or narrative about 'what really happened,' or a defensive posture against 'those who would attack our church or ministry', there are toxic elements at work within the church's culture." (p. 41) The latter is exactly what we saw happen in our previous church.

The authors recommend Jim Van Yperen's seven-step process "for public communication about sexual sin in the church". Van Yperen is founder and president of Metanoia Ministries. (p. 44) The authors give many examples of churches who handled allegations correctly and those who did not.

I found the next section of this chapter very interesting. It is called "Spinning Matthew 18", and this is exactly what the pastor attempted to do to us.  "Another method that leaders in a toxic church culture sometimes use to control the narrative is to attack the way in which critical feedback or allegations of wrongdoing are brought to light." (p. 47) 

The authors write, "It's one thing to set this procedure in motion when someone has said something ugly about another person or has wrongly taken credit for something. But when a woman or a child who has been sexually abused is required to meet one-on-one with the perpetrator, it becomes morally inexcusable and psychologically violent to insist upon legalistically following Matthew 18. Such an approach becomes a cynical dodge and is almost always designed to protect the leader or the church." (p. 49)

The authors discuss other passages that are often misapplied in cases of sexual abuse. 1 Timothy 5:19 requires accusations to be brought with two or three witnesses--which almost never exist in sexual abuse and harassment cases. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 tells Christians with a dispute not to take it to court but to handle conflict resolution within the church. This is obviously not the case for criminal acts.

"The answer to how these verses should be applied in situations of abuse involves simple wisdom: The abused don't need to face their abuser--and certainly not one-on-one. And no church should ever demand two or three witnesses for abuse that happens in secret. It's unconscionable and profoundly unbiblical. Moreover, Scripture should never be used to deflect attention away from what happened to focus instead on how the allegations were brought to light." (p. 52)

The situation in our church did NOT involve sexual sin. However, I found this to be very true--"How a church responds to criticism, or handles information that could damage the reputation of a leader or the church, reveals the culture of that church...Compassion, truth, and wisdom should be our guiding lights. But when a culture is toxic, priorities change and truth telling often takes a back seat." (p. 52) 

Be assured, the truth will come out, and the church's culture will be shown to be toxic. "The word most often on the lips of Jesus for this was hypocrisy...Pastors, leaders, and congregants in a church with a tov culture are free to tell stories that are true. In a toxic church culture, pastors and leaders tell stories that are false, while the congregation either goes along with the deception or lives in blissful ignorance." (p. 52-53)  "                                               

A Church Called Tov - Chapter 2: Early Warning Signs of a Toxic Culture

 This chapter covers the two major "early warning signs of a toxic culture: narcissism and power through fear." (p. 25)

First, narcissism. The authors write, "For some reason, church leadership at times seems to attract unempathetic, selfish narcissists.... far too many churches have narcissists in leadership. And they are predominantly male."

There is a great discussion of what narcissism is. The authors contend that "we need a better understanding of the personality type because (sorry to say) narcissists are far too prevalent in our churches. We must develop the ability to spot them before they can do harm."

The Mayo Clinic definition: "Narcissistic personality disorder...is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism." (p. 27)

"Narcissists often gravitate toward enablers, who will pave their way to power--or at least not stand in the way... Some pastors nurture sycophants, and before long the elder board or deacon board is populated with apple-polishers who are malleable to the pastor's will and often unwilling to stand up to the pastor with solid--and necessary--biblical oversight." (p. 27) This pretty aptly describes the situation at the church we left.

"One of the most significant problems in churches today is the grasping for power of narcissistic pastors and leaders." (p. 28)

"For the narcissist, it's all about control. That's why narcissistic pastors, of churches large and small, tend to gravitate toward non-denominational churches or unaccountable church structures where they answer to no one. They prefer it that way." (p. 29)

Second, power through fear. "Perhaps the most common temptation for church leaders is to wield their assumed authority and position as weapons of lethal, wounding power. When a leader manifests the power hatchet, a culture is formed that adjusts to the blade of fear. Power and fear are close companions. Combine this with narcissism, and a toxic culture is sure to form." (p. 30-31)

"When other church leaders become complicit in a pastor's abuse of power, it casts a chilling shadow on the rest of the church and people become reluctant to speak up... Once a culture of fear forms within a church, there's almost no turning back." (p. 31)

The authors then go deeper into "the dynamics of a power-and-fear-based culture" because this type of church culture is on the rise and very difficult to uproot. They discuss recent research into the effects of power on the human brain which is frightening, to say the least. "Subjects under the influence of power acted as if they had suffered traumatic brain injury." (p. 32-33)

The chapter concludes with "eight indicators that anyone can use to evaluate their own church's culture":

1) Power and authority are vested in an individual. (p. 34) In the church we recently left, the pastor had the power to hire and fire other staff members and change their salaries with no input from the elder board.  Dangerous!

2) The pastor's approval becomes the gold standard. (p. 34)

3) Those approved by the power pastor gain 'status enhancement.' (p. 35)

4) Power cuts with both sides of the blade. (p. 36)

5) The power-shaping culture transitions into a fear-shaped culture. (p. 36)

6) Judgments and decisions are rendered behind a wall of secrecy. (p. 36) "In a power-through-fear culture, the powerful pastor and his close associates decide what information will be disseminated and what will be held back... People resign and leave with no explanation, often 'called to a new ministry,' and only the insiders know why. This form of secrecy induces fear in other staff members to stay in line. When someone leaves, he or she is encouraged to 'end well' which means 'don't talk.' Secrecy remains." (p. 37) This one really hit home with me because it describes exactly the "straw that broke the camel's back" when we left our church last fall.

7) Behind the wall of secrecy lurks a perpetual fear of status degradation. (p. 37)

8) Removal from the circle entirely. (p. 38) 

Final paragraph: "What can you do if you begin to recognize the warning signs of a toxic church culture? Do you speak up? How do you speak up? What happens if you speak up? We turn to that next." (p. 39)